Friday afternoons are usually when bad news -- unflattering, incriminating, politically or economically harmful -- is made public.
On Fridays, it's usually too late for any investigative reporting on the topic to make it into the Saturday or Sunday papers, and since only policy wonks and news junkies pay attention to the weekend's hot-air fests, all that bad stuff, by Monday morning, is old news. Problem solved? Well ... problem dodged.
But this year was different: Spokespersons, flacks and flunkies of all kinds announced whole bunches of great news last Friday afternoon, and I -- one of the few lucky people working over the holiday weekend -- get the special delight of sharing it with you on this auspicious Monday.
• The stock market, having reached all-time highs in recent weeks, closed as usual for Passover and Good Friday observances, but exultant financiers did not actually observe a day of penance. Since they've achieved market recovery mostly by cutting the American work force to the bone, they announced Friday that they will now cut into the marrow.
"That's the part that tastes best," enthused a Wall Street analyst. "It's really great smeared on flourless chocolate torte with bacon ice-cream."
American men aged 45 to 60, who lost the greatest portion of jobs in the 2008-to-whenever recession, which have never been recovered, released their own statement Friday through one of those guys who stars in Viagra commercials:
"We're OK with the idea of never again having jobs -- except for me, of course," the Viagra ad guy said. "All of us have really long to-do lists from our gainfully employed wives, and that doesn't mean we feel emasculated or anything ...
"By the way, does anyone know whether Obamacare covers Viagra? Yes? Yes!"
• The White House finally acknowledged that the Affordable Health Care Act is not affordable.
"When we said that health insurance plus doctor and hospital costs plus a gigantic government bureaucracy wouldn't cost any more than just insurance, doctors and hospitals already do, well ... we were smoking something very special," said Jay Carney, who replaced Robert "Fibs" Gibbs in 2011.
"Plus, none of us has ever held a job in the private sector," he said, "where you have to, like, you know, meet payrolls and balance budgets and, like ... stuff."
Mr. Carney also acknowledged that the Affordable Health Care Act is about insurance, not health care per se.
"Purr ... say" was also revealed to be the White House Press Office motto.
Notified of these official announcements, the mainstream media responded, "Meow," and rolled over to get its tummy rubbed.
• A really tiny spokesperson for diminutive dictator Kim Jong Un -- aka "L'il Kim" -- has announced North Korea is retracting "state of war" threats against South Korea and the West Coast of the United States.
The spokesperson said the "Big Guy" was just in an unusually foul mood because his first footman Tom -- a "Downton Abbey" look-alike -- had laced the Outstanding Leader's platform patent-leather oxfords "way, way too tight."
• White House spokesman Jay "Carnie" Carney announced that, in solidarity with the beleaguered American worker, the First Family had squeezed an exciting "stay-cation" into Holy Week.
"They ate modest meals at home -- no lobster or caviar, just lots of Potomac River fish -- and went to the Lincoln Memorial, which the president was pleasantly surprised to learn is just a short walk from here," Mr. Carney said.
"It's not as close as the beach is from Beyonce and Jay-Z's St. Bart's mansion, but it's still very do-able for such a fit, athletic and decisive commander-in-chief."
President Obama, he said, was especially moved by the memorial's inscription of Lincoln's second inaugural address. " 'With malice toward none, with charity for all ...' -- The president was moved by these noble ideas and wishes he'd known of them before writing -- all by himself -- his own second inaugural address."
Mr. Carney also announced that all four members of the first family flew to St. Bart's Sunday in separate jets, accompanied by the entire Secret Service, and that the White House remains closed for tours, due to sequester budget cuts caused by the nation's enemies in the Republican Party.
• The Environmental Protection Agency announced that American energy independence, once widely expected to arrive by 2030, will be delayed until 2047, due to the EPA's new requirement that all U.S. automobiles run exclusively on composted kitchen leftovers.
The United Mine Workers, representing America's legion of unemployed coal miners, issued a press release that said simply, "What are leftovers?"
Ruth Ann Dailey: firstname.lastname@example.org.