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Grata's Guide: The ABCs PennDOT style
Sunday, December 12, 1999 By Joe Grata, Post-Gazette Staff Writer
A generation of future drivers still in elementary school is being brainwashed by the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation.
Many of the kids began learning their ABCs out of a coloring book this summer after PennDOT entered into a partnership with public libraries to offer a new program, "Route to Reading."
At first blush, I thought this coloring book, titled "PennDOT ABCs," was an employee training manual. Upon further review of how gas tax dollars were spent, the book is both a public relations tool painting a positive image of PennDOT and an educational tool containing some worthwhile information.
Each page contains a letter of the alphabet, a drawing for kids to color and a brief narrative. For example, C stands for "clean up" and shows three kids gathering litter. The bottom of the page reads: "Litter, litter, it's all around me. Litter, litter, so ugly to see. Cans and bottles, papers and cups, thrown out windows of cars and trucks. Litterbug, Litterbug, why can't you see?"
The book tells kids that J is for "jaywalking," an unsafe practice; S is for "seatbelts" that should be worn for safety; and Z is for "zones" such as work zones, where drivers should slow down.
The book carries a few dumb entries, such as U for "unicycles," which the book says belong in a circus or parade but are used by some people as a form of transportation. Really? Couldn't the creators have thought of something like U-turns, which are dangerous, or universities, where civil engineers are trained?
Let's have a little fun. I'm offering my version of ABCs for PennDOT's next comic book. Come up with your own version. (No curse words, please.)
A -- Asphalt. A mix of tar, sand and gravel used to build roads. It ruts, cracks and turns into potholes after a couple of winters.
B -- Bureaucrats. PennDOT people who wear suits, shuffle papers, make big bucks and make excuses.
C -- Customers. That's what PennDOT calls us, at least in public. We're supposed to be treated like people who pay the bills, not morons.
D -- Detours. Ways to inconvenience and confuse motorists. When too much road work takes place in the same area at the same time, we have detours of detours.
E -- Engineers. Professional civil servants at PennDOT and the Port Authority. Their most notorious work includes Pittsburgh's "Bridge to Nowhere," the world's shortest interstate highway (I-579 below the Civic Arena) and the South Hills light-snail transit system, the slowest in North America.
F -- FIX-ROAD. A toll-free, 800 number you can call to report ruts, cracks and potholes in your road. Then call again next week. And again.
G -- Garbage. Causes many of our roadsides to look like dumps. People throw things out of vehicle windows, and materials sift and fall from trucks. Should PennDOT hire Molly Maids?
H -- High occupancy vehicles: buses, car pools and van pools. PennDOT builds HOV lanes for them, as on Interstate 279, to make the people stuck in rush-hour traffic jealous.
I -- Interstates. These limited-access highways represent our nation's best. Remember that the next time you're in traffic on the Parkway East and Parkway West.
J -- Joe. As in Joe Grata. If you want to keep your job at PennDOT, the Port Authority or Pennsylvania Turnpike, don't tell him nothin'.
K -- Kilometer, a measurement used by most of the world. After spending millions of dollars to convert to the metric system, PennDOT is spending millions of dollars changing back to inches, feet and miles.
L -- License plates. Numbers and letters that identify your vehicle. Pennsylvania has stealth plates. That is, the paint has disappeared, leaving bare sheets of aluminum that cops can't easily decipher.
M -- Mallory. That's Bradley L. Mallory. As Pennsylvania transportation secretary, he's boss at PennDOT and a member of the Pennsylvania Turnpike Commission.
N -- Novachip. A thin, special asphalt mix designed to seal highways against water penetration and extend pavement life. That's PennDOT parlance. We call this an "election special."
O -- Orange. The official state color, used in combination with white. Featured on barrels around highway work zones.
P -- Potholes. A Western Pennsylvania phenomenon, showing up in all shapes, sizes and depths. During winter, they often reappear overnight. Potholes make us the butt of jokes, but they're good for business: front-end alignments, hub cap outlets, muffler shops and asphalt suppliers.
Q -- Questions. PennDOT's policy on questions: Don't ask. Don't tell.
R -- Rest areas. Never stop if you're alone. Don't walk into the woods. If you do, don't ask. Don't tell.
S -- Shovels. Convenient devices to lean on.
T -- Taxes. Forty-four cents a gallon. They provide our smooth, free-flowing road system, high-tech traffic signals and modern, well-maintained bridges.
U -- Unicycles.
V -- Hold your first and second fingers up to flash this universal peace sign. Use only your middle finger, and you get the hand signal most often used in Pittsburgh traffic.
W -- Web site. The state has begun issuing new license plates carrying the state's Web address, www.state.pa.us. We're advertising high-tech hopes to a world that drives our low-tech roads.
X -- Code name for one of the secret ingredients in Pennsylvania asphalt mixes.
Y -- The other secret ingredient. (The secret formula: X + Y = Inferior Pavement.)
Z -- Z-z-z-z-z. The sound of PennDOT employees on the job.
If your local library doesn't have the PennDOT ABCs comic book, contact PennDOT's communications and customer relations office by phone at (717) 783-5692 or by telefax at (717) 787-1738. Supplies of this best-seller may be limited.
Send your transportation questions, complaints and suggestions to Joe Grata c/o The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, or e-mail him at jgrata@post-gazette.com Include your address and phone number, please.
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