Progressions tended to break down for Arians, according to my candidates, specifically in the red zone.

"My motto would be," Jane Ubb told me at the Northland Public Library, "red zone equals end zone. If you get it to the red zone, you have to put in the end zone."

Forgot to ask her how soon she could start.

But, in the interest of thoroughness, and so no one might accuse me of failing to conduct a nationwide search, I interviewed Billy Gardell, the Pittsburgh native now the co-star of the CBS sitcom "Mike and Molly."

I started by mentioning that the person who succeeded Arians would need skin thicker than a pachyderm.

"My skin's been that thick since I was 9," said Gardell via cell as he was pulled into work in Los Angeles. "Look, we've been going to the pass too quick. The first thing I'd do is start that [John] Clay at running back and pound him at them in the first quarter, like we used to do with [Jerome] Bettis. That will set up Ben's play-action and sets up our quick receivers because the safeties will have to come up.

"When we get the lead, I'd run it up like it was a college team and then I'd bring back the big back. Then, we don't have to spend the last six minutes wondering if we're gonna get the ball back in time to score."

Sounds like five strong candidates to me. I assume any of 'em will work nights and weekends. No need to thank me.

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