Remember "Climategate," the so-called global warming scandal that really wasn't the dagger to the heart of climate change that skeptics thought it would be? Well, there's an even more outrageous controversy brewing in the heavens.

According to astronomer Parke Kunkle of the Minnesota Planetarium Society, the moon's gravitational pull on the Earth, along with its equatorial bulge, has done a number on the astrological calendar.

The zodiac as currently understood by millions of gullible people is rooted in a Babylonian interpretation of the position of the stars 3,000 years ago when astrology was codified.

Because the Earth's axis changes relative to the position of the stars and planets, astrological signs aren't the fixed coordinates believers tend to assume they are. Because of Earth's gravitational wobble, Mr. Kunkle wants everyone to realize that there's a one-month bump in the alignment of the stars that must be accounted for.

What it means on a practical level is that the date that you were born really doesn't correspond to where the stars would have been when the Babylonians put the system together.

In fact, the first astrologers made room for 13 constellations. The "missing" zodiac sign is Ophiuchus, the snake holder. If you want to be consistent with the Babylonian system after it has been adjusted to account for the Earth's tilt, then room must be made in the zodiac for Ophiuchus, which runs from Nov. 29 to Dec. 17. Not everyone's sign would change from that, but many would, leading to an unprecedented crisis of astrological proportions.

Tarot cards on the table here: When it comes to astrology, I'm a total skeptic. Still, I've always taken a certain amount of pride in being an Aries, even though I don't believe there's a lick of truth to any of it. There's a certain cachet that comes with being considered a "cardinal" sign. The qualities associated with being an Aries are very flattering and appeal to my ego and sense of self.

Alas, after the astrological calendar has been adjusted to account for Ophiuchus, I go from being a mighty, fiery Aries to being, well, gulp, a Pisces! I go from being a "cardinal" sign to being a "mutable" water sign. When you've spent your whole life being a maverick or trailblazer and you have to trade down to being someone who "dwells in the collective depths," according to one description, it plays havoc with your self-esteem and sense of cosmic destiny.

In many ways, this sudden shifting of the zodiac feels a lot like a massive case of forced busing. Not that I believe any of this stuff, but how the hell did I end up a Pisces after all of these years? Believe me, there's nothing about me that says, "You know, that guy's a Pisces."

Because we subscribe to the truth around here, no matter what, behold the "real" astrological calendar adjusted for the Earth's wobble over the last three millennia along with our never-ending talent for self-deception:

Capricorn is now Jan. 20 to Feb. 16; Aquarius, Feb. 16-March 11; Pisces, March 11-April 18; Aries, April 18-May 13; Taurus, May 13-June 21; Gemini, June 21-July 20; Cancer, July 20-Aug. 10; Leo, Aug. 10-Sept. 16; Virgo, Sept. 16-Oct. 30; Libra, Oct. 30-Nov. 23; Scorpio, Nov. 23-29; Ophiuchus, Nov. 29-Dec. 17; and Sagittarius, Dec. 17-Jan. 20.

Like global warming, a new set of inconvenient truths requires a paradigm shift for many, but there is no doubting the veracity of the information. The sun is in a different constellation than the one it was in 3,000 years ago when the zodiac was created.

We are no longer in the Age of Aquarius, as the cute pop song by The 5th Dimension once suggested. We're in the Age of Capricorn. Sure, it doesn't have the same ring, but, hey, it beats being in the Age of Ophiuchus by a mile, doesn't it?

To such far-flung notions we can add radio preacher Harold Camping's prediction that the Rapture will occur on May 21, 2011, and the end of the world five months later on Oct. 21. If Rev. Camping is even half right, the disappearance of so many Christians from the Earth could throw the Republican primaries wide open in 2012.