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It is said that stealing from one writer is plagiarism while stealing from two is research.
Consider this research.
The other day, as snow fell in soft fury, I received two e-mails from readers who trode the same wintry track.
One came from a neighbor, Gloria Rayman, who remembered a Post-Gazette column by Peter Leo which she'd cut out and "kept on my refrigerator through three moves,'' losing it only when her refrigerator expired and was sent dumpward.
PG STORE
Ms. Rayman knew the column was from 1994 because she was living on 11th Street on the South Side then, and the "weenie'' next door parked his fancy little Mitsubishi Spyder in the space she'd just shoveled -- and she shoveled him back in. (No jury in Allegheny County would convict her of anything but good sense.)
A computer search confirmed that "Olympics Need Events Like These'' ran on Feb. 15, 1994, during yet another brutal winter in the Burgh. In that piece, Peter lamented that most Olympic events "are for blond people named Sven or Inga or for people with obsessive parents who start them off training at age 2.''
"It would never occur to any of us to go dancing on ice skates, barrel down a hill at 80 mph or shoot at something while cross-country skiing, which is what the biathlon is all about,'' Peter wrote, "although I want to make clear to my National Rifle Association friends that I take a back seat to no one in my firm support of the constitutional right to bear arms while skiing.''
He went on to suggest a series of Pittsburgh-themed events -- a pothole slalom, synchronized snow-shoveling, grocery-bag-carry-on-ice -- to put true winter skills to use.
That's pretty much what Drue Miller of Forest Hills suggested in her e-mail -- which included a logo (above right), replacing the five interlocking Olympic rings with five patterned pierogies for the "Yinzerlympics.''
Vancouver is so short on snow that helicopters and trucks are hauling it in and dumping it, while we find ourselves up to our knees, so, "The logical solution is to move the games here,'' Ms. Miller said.
Why not? Steep hills, we have plenty, along with empty stadia and Steelers fans in serious withdrawal pains.
"Of course, we'd put our unique 'Burgh twist on the games: instead of skiing and shooting, the 'Oakland Biathlon' would involve chugging a pitcher of Yuengling, then running down Bates Street and setting a couch on fire.''
Look for the West Virginia judge to give that a 10.
"And in a daring new twist, ski jumping would be held on the Incline tracks -- clear the river and you get the gold,'' Ms. Miller suggested.
There's no doubt we have the snow to make this happen. L.J. Russell of Brookline has calculated that with 1,600 miles of city streets an average width of 30 feet, the removal of two feet of snow should mean nearly 507 million cubic feet of the stuff.
We've been looking for a place to put that, and with just 1.3 million good-sized dump trucks we could move every flake. Why waste all that gasoline schlepping it to western Canada?
Sure, it's possible the cops might break up the bobsled and skeleton competitions in Frick Park, given the new rules imposed by the city's Too Much Fun Committee. But, Ms. Miller points out, we should be able to handle all the skating events even if Mellon Arena is unavailable, simply by letting Dormont Pool freeze over.
I called Mr. Leo, enjoying happy retirement in his Squirrel Hill chalet (every home's a chalet this week), and he readily volunteered to judge any event provided, of course, there is beer.
I myself have been inadvertently practicing the speed-dressing event described by Peter in 1994:
"This timed event involves putting on a scarf, gloves, boots, hat, coat and assorted other outerwear, doing all the snaps, buttons and buckles first, then, while thus immobilized, conducting the all-important search for the keys or struggling to come up with the proper change for the bus.''
Time me. Provided no meddlesome Gillooly goes for my knees with a crowbar, I like my chances.
