Q. My husband's mother was terribly strict with him and her other children, and they don't have good memories of childhood. We discipline our own children and they're good kids, but she thinks we spoil them and don't punish them enough when they do something wrong. We don't want to tell her we think she wasn't a good mother, but we need to say something.

A. Your mother-in-law needs to understand that, ultimately, you and your husband are the parents in this situation -- and that therefore you are the ultimate decision-makers about discipline and other issues involved in parenting your children.

But that's easier said than communicated, isn't it?

We suggest that your husband (not you) initiate a private conversation, in person, among himself, you, and his mother. During the conversation -- keeping the tone calm and as warm as you can -- you and your husband can clearly explain the reasons you've chosen the discipline style you have.

You can also make it clear that your role is to be the parents, and your mother-in-law's role is to be a loving grandparent who respects the choices her son and his wife make for their own children -- even when she does not agree with those choices.

Please don't compare your parenting style with hers, and don't tell her you think her style wasn't workable. We believe that won't be productive.

We can't guarantee that this approach will work. That will depend on your mother-in-law's receptivity. But at least you and your husband will have been open and honest about your concerns. Good luck.

Looking for more from the Post-Gazette? Join PG+, our members-only web site. You'll get exclusive sports content, opinion, financial information, discounts from retailers and restaurants, and more. Our introduction to PG+ gives you all the details.