I don't do Twitter. I'm just not interested. I don't want any more marketing messages hurled at me, and I'm too busy squandering my day to worry about what you're doing with yours.

But I do realize that tweeting is very popular; it takes only a moment to tell all your followers what you're up to, and it is, after all, so easy even a congressman can do it.

If Twitter wanted to make it challenging, tweets would have to be not only 140 characters but in haiku form. One of my college friends did her annual family Christmas letter as a series of haikus, and I bet it was better read than the monthly alumni magazine.

Spelling and even basic literacy are less and less of a barrier to social networking now. Your toddler can tweet with a product called Twoddler. And at the upcoming Toy Fair in New York, Mattel will introduce Puppy Tweets.

Guess what that does.

Yep! It's a plastic tag that attaches to your dog's collar and sends a signal to a USB receiver plugged into a computer. I think it uses Bluetooth technology, but the dog doesn't have to wear an earpiece and bark at himself. That would be undignified.

You then help the dog create a Twitter account. The sound and motion sensors in the tag will then send tweets to you - and your dog's countless other followers - on your smart phone or computer. If, that is, you don't already have a doggie cam set up to send you live streaming video of Rover.

(Why do we still use Rover and Fido as generic dog names in newspaper stories? When did you last hear someone in a park calling a dog Fido? They're all Max and Bella and Molly now. Of course, using those as generic dog names would be confusing, because that's what we're also naming our kids.)

The tag transmits some pre-scripted tweets that are prompted by various canine activities. For example, if she's running around, you get a tweet that says "I finally caught that tail I've been chasing, and ... OOUUUCHH!"

There's a tweet that signifies slumber, and one about "get[ting] your bark on" that may be of interest if you are a tree.

The barking one merely alerts you that the dog is barking, leaving you to wonder whether you're being burgled by vicious intruders or there is a squirrel on the patio.

Now, I don't own a dog, but I do know one well enough to exchange Christmas gifts. His name is Oggie. He shows no interest whatsoever even in Facebook, though there are plenty of dogs on Facebook. (Is it so hard to select a flattering profile photo?)

Oggie makes extensive use of the original and most popular forum for canine social networking: He logs onto a log - or a pole, or a stump - and gives it a thorough sniffing to download the status and profile of every dog in the neighborhood, or at least the ones who went for a walk since the last rain.

Puppy Tweets might be sort of fun if you could override the presets and give the dog more distinctive messages. If the tag detects barking, it could tweet "Timmy has fallen down a well or is possibly trapped in an abandoned mine!" That makes your dog sound much smarter than what he is actually saying, which probably translates to "HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!"

I just hope that dogs whose owners give them a taste for online social networking don't start hanging around coffee shops looking for free WiFi and lying about their age on dating sites. ("I had no idea she was a puppy! She said she was 3, I swear!")

If you can't have a talking dog, I suppose you can settle for a tweeting dog. Maybe even some haiku from your shih-tzu or cockapoo.

Who's the master here?

I used to trot behind you

Now you follow me!

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