In case you spent last week trapped in a mall restroom or Photoshopping your soon-to-be-ex-husband out of your family Christmas card picture, I'll catch you up on the most startling news story to come along in weeks.

And no, it's not that a pro athlete was cheating on his wife. I said "startling."

I'm talking about the story of the five young American Muslims who went to Pakistan to join up with al-Qaida and make jihad against the United States. That's not the funny part. That's kind of disturbing.

The funny part is that they were turned down.

Who does al-Qaida turn away? And why? How do you blow that interview?

Admittedly, it's hard to keep copies of your resume clean and unwrinkled in a cave in the mountains on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border.

One thing the young applicants got right was researching the organization they wanted to work for. They spent a lot of time on YouTube and Facebook ("You are now friends with Ayman al-Zawahiri"), and I'm sure they follow al-Qaida on Twitter.

But when they got to Pakistan, the wheels came off. The Associated Press reported that the five Americans "failed to catch on with any terror network, and succeeded only in raising suspicions among locals, who reported them to Pakistani police."

Wow.

"So, Wally, you don't seem to have relevant experience."

"I put a firecracker in the neighbors' mailbox once. It would have gone off, too, if I'd remembered to light it first."

"Where do you see yourself in five years?"

"I'm hoping by then to be in sort of a management position? Like if I do a few suicide missions and do them really well, I could move up in the organization."

The five Washington, D.C.-area students, ranging in age from 19 to 25, left the United States without telling their parents. They probably figured the next time the folks back home saw them, they'd be on the cover of Spiderhole Magazine. Kids.

Now they've got counterterrorism investigators, Pakistani cops and U.S. diplomats, security officers and the FBI all over them. They embarked on a mission to defend Muslims and ended up on "National Lampoon's Worst Road Trip Ever."

And later they'll have to explain it all to their parents. By then, they'll wish they'd just blown up a goat pen and caught the next flight back to dental school.

Because they washed out as terrorists. Couldn't break into the business. Didn't have the ... what exactly? Education? Charisma? Math? Did they fail the drug test?

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid our budget's been cut way back and we're just not hiring anyone in entry-level positions at the moment. We'll keep your resume on file and kidnap one of your family members if anything opens up. Thanks for coming in. Stop by the front desk and have your parking ticket validated. Best of luck! Oh, and death to America."

How embarrassing. Apparently, they made a common mistake for applicants trying to break into a new line of work: Their networking was inadequate, so instead of having contacts and a plan, they just kind of showed up and tried to set up lunch meetings with terror organizations. As a result, they had no references.

But it's more amusing to imagine that, being American, they just couldn't quite get with the program.

"A typical first assignment, Wally, would be to drive a car through a checkpoint into an area occupied by American military forces, and ...."

"What are the company cars? Beemers? Camrys?"

[Frown.] "No Beemers. No, we have a few old Trabants we stole from the Russians. We fill the trunk with ...."

"Are you kidding me? I can't be seen in some old beater! I wouldn't be caught dead in a car like that."

Lucky for them - and us - they won't.

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