Q. My son loves sleeping with me and my husband. We only let him one or two nights a week, but he keeps saying he doesn't understand why we sleep together but he can't be with us every night. How do I explain that I am trying to get him to be independent and yet he sees two 45-year-olds sleeping together?

A. It seems that your question has two parts: how to help your son become sleep-independent, and how to explain to him your reasoning.

Our first suggestion is to explore why your son wants to sleep with you. If, for example, he's recently experienced a life-change (for instance, a move, a death in the family, or starting preschool), he may need extra nighttime comfort. Or perhaps he's afraid of being alone at night, because of the darkness or scary noises.

Talk with your son -- at a time of day when he's relaxed and confident -- and try to determine what's going on. You might make the conversation part of an art project. Ask him to draw pictures about nighttime, and ask open-ended questions to try to pull out the reasons he doesn't want to sleep in his own bed.

If it turns out there's an environmental issue -- darkness or noise, for example -- adapting his room with a nightlight or a white-noise device (even just a fan) can help.

But perhaps your son wants to sleep with you and your husband simply because it's an established routine he enjoys.

In both cases, adapting his bedtime routine may help. Some possible strategies:

• Spend time with him in his bed before he goes to sleep. Do calming activities: cuddling, reading books, chatting about his day. The object is quiet, special time between him and his parents. This can set up bedtime as a positive experience, and give him both comfort and confidence.

• Set his bedtime well before yours and your husband's. This can eliminate the distress he might feel if you're all retiring simultaneously and he can't be in your room with you. It also gives you and your husband some adult time alone.

• Limit his overnights with you even further than the one to two nights he's already allowed. For example, tell him that he can come into bed with you only the last hour before it's time to wake up. You'll need to work on time-recognition strategies for this to work, but it can be effective.

• Be consistent. Make sure that you and your husband are united in your decision to move your son toward sleep independence, and don't waver.

You might also try making his bed more appealing -- for instance, with some special new sheets of his choosing.

As to your question about an explanation for your son, we recommend something clear and simple, like: "Mommies and Daddies have their own space at night, and little boys need to have their own special nighttime space, too."

Looking for more from the Post-Gazette? Join PG+, our members-only web site. You'll get exclusive sports content, opinion, financial information, discounts from retailers and restaurants, and more. Our introduction to PG+ gives you all the details.