Probably my thirst for seeing the righteous finally triumph has something to do with the fact that U2 has been pouring from the stereo for days on end.

We've had it cranked to banish our endless house-painting blues, and the lyrics got mixed up in the week's headlines, which were pretty dismal, as usual. "How long, how long must we sing this song?" The lyrics seem to fit the times.

In the middle of it all, I finally caught one of those Troy Polamalu ads for Head & Shoulders shampoo. Yeah, I know it's been playing for a couple months now, but a) I don't follow any football except the Steelers and b) I don't really watch the Steelers games, I listen to them on the radio while doing crossword puzzles and look up at the muted TV screen when the pitch of Billy Hillgrove's voice says "now."

That's how I missed the commercial where a reporter is interviewing Troy, post-game, in the locker room.

"Tell us about the goal line stand," the reporter says.

"Well, I owe my great hair to Head & Shoulders," Troy says to open his shampoo pitch.

"That's not what I asked, Troy," the foolish reporter says.

"Isn't it?" Troy asks, with a significant look.

"No."

"Isn't it?" Troy asks again, gazing a little more menacingly into the reporter's eyes and starting to shift his weight from thigh to thigh -- sigh -- like a play's about to commence.

"Yes." The reporter looks down in defeat, abashed by the quiet, insistent power of Polamalu.

Yes! That's what I want. That's what we the people need -- a caped crusader (a cape of magnificent hair will do) who, when faced with pushy entities, will insist on the people's agenda, look deep into the eyes of the aggressors and cow them into shameful capitulation.

UPMC, you're up first:

We regret that we have to close our Braddock branch because the poor people there and in Rankin and East Mc­Keesport weren't filling enough beds. It's not the financial losses prompting our decision, it's the underutilization.

"Well"-- our cheerful redirection begins -- "your utilization rates are quite good and we noticed you're spending many millions to build a new hospital in a much wealthier suburb where your only significant competitor already operates. It seems that this is really about empire-building and crushing the competition -- hardly befitting the spirit of your taxpayer-subsidized nonprofit mission."

That's not true.

"Isn't it?"

No.

"Isn't it?"

Yes. (Penitent about-face.)

A girl can dream. ...

Next up, the state's institutions of higher education:

We are happy to announce that we will be raising tuition rates by only 4 percent next fall. We've also received word that due to our fiscal restraint, the cost of attending our state's universities has fallen relative to the cost in other states. This is great news for Pennsylvania families!

"Well, the inflation rate has been negative most of this year, and unemployment is at its highest levels since the Great Depression. You're receiving millions in federal stimulus funds but declining to use that money for "recurring programs" -- or, obviously, tuition relief.

"And the change in the state's standing just means we're now the fourth most expensive university system in the country, rather than third. This is actually a sign of many years of poor management and disregard for Pennsylvania's families, isn't it?"

No.

"Isn't it?"

Yes. Here's all your money back.

You debt-laden families can dream. ...

And now, the city of Pittsburgh.

We can no longer afford to provide city services to those who aren't paying their fair share for them, so we'll be imposing a 1 percent tax on the tuition paid by the city's 100,000 college and university students. Then Pittsburgh's recovery will be complete! Plus, why should the colleges and universities be the only ones to soak the students for every penny they've got?

"Well, you do have a point there. But it seems the city keeps looking for ways to avoid the tough decisions, like cutting programs, trimming departments and renegotiating pensions and other benefits to match its ever-declining revenues. Isn't that the real problem?"

No.

"Isn't it?"

Yes. ... But can we go after those arrogant, greedy nonprofits anyway?

"Sure! Maybe tie their contributions to their rising tuition and patient billing hikes -- or their executives' salary increases."

This is where Troy starts to bounce menacingly, Bono howls "In the name of love ..." and my dream of easy justice ends.

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