Graham Stedman

His accomplishments as a consultant, businessman, author and speaker are not the first things that come to mind when one thinks of Stedman Graham. He is Oprah Winfrey's significant other and he has no problem with that role. He wrote "You Can Make it Happen: A Nine-Step Plan for Success" and his latest book "Diversity: Leaders Not Labels" deals with what it takes to be successful. He will be the featured speaker at the ARC National Convention in Pittsburgh on Thursday. ARC supports people with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Mr. Graham was chosen, in part, because he grew up with siblings who had disabilities. For information, go to www.thearc.org.

How did growing up with disabled siblings impact you?

It certainly made me stronger. I was able to build a strong foundation based on patience and being able to understand more of who I was as a person and what made me tick. That was probably the biggest impact.

You have talked about leveraging your own worth. How did you learn to do it?

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Well, it took a long time to do that because most of us focus on the external world to define who we are. In my early 30s I began to realize it's not about the external world and how they define you. It's how you define yourself. You need the skills to do that. You also need the ability to set goals, and you need the education on top of that.

Was there a particular moment in your life when you decided it wasn't about the external?

When I realized that the world puts you in a box, you know? I had always been frustrated because I had a race- based consciousness. I thought it was about the color of my skin. I realized it was about my lack of understanding of how to process and think and to take education and information and make it relevant to my purpose. The missing piece in my life is that I didn't have a purpose. I just went along and did the same thing every day. And then everything you learn, you forget because it has no meaning for you. You are not able to make it relevant to who you are as a human being because you don't know who you are. So you have no identity.

Once you figured it out, how did you keep from being tied up in someone else's worth?

Because I'm focused on my own worth. So when you focus on your own talents, your own skills, your own purpose, you understand who you are and you understand what you're passionate about. Then you aren't worried about anybody else's passion. You worry about your own passion.

But you know you are in a unique situation with Oprah. There are people who define themselves through their spouse, their children's accomplishments. How do you avoid that?

Lose your ego. Move more into humility and figure out that your worth is based on what you do every single day. It's based on your habits. It's based on your accomplishments. It's based on your goals. You have to realize everybody is equal because everybody has 24 hours. The question becomes what will you do with your 24 hours? Just because you are in the media, just because you are on TV, just because you are famous, just because you are in a particular field that may be more high profile doesn't mean you are more significant than anybody else. It is just how you define yourself and how you define your work

There now seems to be a disturbing trend where gaining fame is the passion, the goal for its own sake.

Yeah, but you're empty. There is no connection to growing that. So you may get the sizzle because you do something that is maybe special or out of the ordinary, maybe even stupid. But the fact of the matter is it doesn't last because you can't sustain it over a period of time.

Does it bother you knowing that people are endlessly fascinated with your relationship with Oprah?

You know, it is what it is and that's fine. I'm perfectly happy to be with a woman who reaches 20 million people a day in 15 countries and who helps women all over the world and who is, you know, a genius. And who has a strong sense of character. Who is a strong communicator. Who is a wonderful, warm person and also who is a great cook. And who is dynamic and has her own mind. So I'm perfectly happy being with someone like that.

Did dating Oprah change the trajectory of your life for the better, or did you make the most of the situation?

It just gives you more exposure to the world so hopefully you are doing something productive and you are helping people. Through the nine-step process I help people to define themselves and to understand how to build an identity for themselves. Of the 6.6 billion people in the world probably 5.9 billion of them don't have an identity. So I try to help people all over the world find out who they are based on my experiences and based on what I've been looking for. To me it's a pretty good way to free yourself from the external world and start investing in yourself as a human being so you can reach your potential.

Stedman, how do you identify yourself?

Human spirit -- the highest possible level. I'm a spirit that connects to people based on how I feel and how I think. So that's first off who I am, and then secondly a human being and then half African American, half Native American and so you know you can categorize it all different ways. Businessman, author, speaker, whatever.

But, first and foremost the spirit?

If you can connect with your spirit it gets you beyond race. You can assimilate any where in the world, become a citizen of the world based on connecting through your spirit as opposed to labels and limiting yourself based on that box you are stuck in.

Did you use that for dealing with the limelight? Especially initially when it was tabloid-related.

It's not real. That's an illusionary world.

How's that?

It manufactures images that aren't real. It may not be who you are. Certainly you don't define it. Somebody else defines it, and you don't have control over it. So if you buy into it, it's pretty sad. If you can define yourself and work at what you do every single day and you focus on what's real, which is those 24 hours. So the question is how you take information and education and make it relevant to the 24 hours that you have so you can create the right habits and accomplish your goals based on who you are. If you don't know who you are, you get confused.

Mackenzie Carpenter's video program, "Omnivore," is available exclusively at PG+, a members-only web site of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. Our introduction to PG+ gives you all the details.