I saw an item on TV about the alleged latest trend in pets: miniature pigs. They had been bred on a farm where there also were miniature horses and other miniature livestock -- even miniature chickens.

Miniature chickens?

Do you really need to be able to roast a whole one in an Easy-Bake Oven?

There's a reason chickens have never caught on as pets, and it's not their size. A caged canary provides better music, and if your mini-chicken is free range … well, good luck with the house training.

I don't understand the obsession with making animals tiny enough to fit into teacups. (I also don't understand the obsession with making coffee mugs and soft-drink cups big enough for full-immersion baptism.)

An animal is not an accessory -- certainly not while it is still moving. I feel sorry for tiny quivering dogs peering out of handbags, because I worry that the only thing keeping them from a Goodwill bin in three years will be getting dyed to match a hat.

When I was growing up, we had cats. Or, to put it more accurately, there were cats in our house that tolerated our presence. Cats are naturally pretty small, but the ones I lived with would swim the English Channel before they'd submit to being carried around like a furry clutch.

True, I've seen cats that were willing to be draped over a person's shoulder and would lounge there like a stole, and I've seen cats wearing costumes, hats or masks, which makes me wonder what sort of revenge they take on the people who dressed them like that. You're the life of the party with your cat in a tiny football helmet or surgical mask, but the day is coming when you'll find a hairball in your Wheaties.

Most cats seem to have a natural sense of poise and self-esteem. They demand that you feed them, but in the end, they don't need you. They just stick around because it's hard to get good help these days.

And I don't mind that sort of relationship. Or maybe I just didn't realize what the alternatives were. It's the only kind of relationship that I'd had -- two fiercely independent creatures under the same roof, occasionally sharing a sofa or a cup of yogurt. A pet here, a purr there, but let's face it: She's just not that into you.

Don't get me wrong -- I still like cats. They demand respect and apologize for nothing, and I admire that, even when they have a broken piece of an orange balloon protruding from an orifice where you really don't look for party decorations.

I also reject the narrow-mindedness of the dog-person, cat-person divide. What about fish people? Why can't we be more open-minded and accepting? I was at a crowded party, and a guy appeared out of nowhere and draped a 6-foot snake over my arms and shoulders. I usually just offer a business card.

Some people might have screamed and run away, but those people would also have spilled their drink. I'd had to wait in line for mine, and I was not going to let some overgrown kielbasa hijack it.

Before you get all goo-goo over a novelty critter because it goes with your shoes or fits in your wallet, consider getting to know some of the other standard domestic animals. You may be surprised.

I always thought people who obsessed about their dogs and talked about them as if they were children were a few fries short of a Happy Meal, but now there is a dog in my life, and I see things differently.

It's nice to be greeted at the door. He doesn't understand what I say, but he certainly looks like he's trying, which is more than I can say for some men I've dated. He's not miniature, or unusual, or pedigreed, or even mine. But he wags his tail when I say his name, and I don't even mind all the hair on my pants, though I wonder how it gets in my bathtub.

A miniature chicken might furnish a steady supply of teeny little eggs. But would I trade my new canine friend for a McNugget or a snake?

When miniature pigs fly.

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