Here's one that made me laugh out loud: A marketer sends me a release titled "Pumpkin Carving in Three Easy Steps."

OK, I bit. I read on: It's about a knife sharpener.

Never in my life have I sharpened a knife to carve a pumpkin. I've stabbed them with dull kitchen knives (mistake, don't do that); sliced them with bendy steak knives; jabbed them with whatever cabbage-mauling implement I can grab.

Stupid me, I should SHARPEN THE KNIVES FIRST ON THIS COMPANY'S KNIFE SHARPENER!

The idea of this makes me so weary, I could just toss a pumpkin on the driveway. Why does everything take 40 steps anymore?

"Choose you're [sic] carving tools -- easiest to use are boning and paring knives," says this release. "(A nail or ice pick comes in handy for poking through the surface for detailed work and scoring.)"

And a mug of beer afterward is sooo soothing.

"Sharp knives are not only safer, but they're easier to use and will help you cut smoothly through your pumpkin. Fortunately, you don't have to be an expert to put a razor sharp edge on your knife."

Praise be.

OK, I'll get serious: that old adage of the right tool for the right job is absolutely correct here. You do not want to carve your pumpkin with a dull knife. It is indeed dangerous. I can't recall ever impaling or cutting myself while wrestling with a pumpkin, but I do recall many years of thinking, "Eh, the kids and their father would rather do this."

Then I discovered those serrated pumpkin knives, the ones with the plastic pumpkin head at the top that you see all over the discount stores and in the seasonal aisle at the grocery stores. For less than two bucks, you can slice and dice your pumpkin quite nicely with this knife, and soon Jack O'Lantern will be giving you that big goofy grin. I liked the plastic pumpkin scoop, too. Works better than a spoon. It also works better to hand it to the kids.

It's all you need.

Local farms are kicking in to the pumpkin/apple season with festivals, tours and fall bounty to sell. Trax Farms, Finleyville, holds one-hour tours Monday through Friday through Oct. 30, 9:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. There also will be Wednesday and Friday evening hayrides in October. Groups can reserve slots online at traxfarms.com; 412-835-3246. The farm's weekend farm festivals begin Oct. 3 and continue through Oct. 25, 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Saturdays and Sundays. ... Triple B Farms, Forward, begins its Finest Family Pumpkin Festival Saturday through Nov. 1. The farm is harvesting apples this year for the first time and the crop is bountiful. triplebfarms.com, 724-258-3557.

AppleJamm, the Audubon Society of Western Pennsylvania's annual fest "celebrating the mighty apple," will be held from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. Saturday at Beechwood Farms Nature Reserve, Fox Chapel. Finals for the apple baking contest, master magician Aedryan Methyus, woodland maze, crafts including making a scarecrow and bagel birdfeeders, sack races, apple on a string contest. Admission, $6 for members, $10 nonmembers; reservations required, 412-963-6100.

The Bridgeville-South Fayette Rotary Club will hold its third Chili Cookoff -- 20 or so chili teams, vendors, ticket and silent auction -- from noon to 4 p.m. Oct. 4, Fairview Park, South Fayette. Details: bridgeville-sfrotary.org/ChiliCookoff.cfm . . . The American Association of University Women Beaver Valley Branch holds its annual Kitchen Tour from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. Saturday, featuring six new and remodeled kitchens in Beaver and Brighton Township. Proceeds benefit AAUW scholarships. Advance tickets, $15, are available at the Hostess Shoppe, Beaver, or call 724-728-7908. Gourmet lunch reservations, $10, are due today. Chefs at each stop will have goodies. Dutch Ridge Elementary School in Brighton Township will host vendors, bake sale, raffles and a gourmet lunch from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. . . . The Herb Society of Western Pennsylvania will hold its Herbes de Pittsburgh brunch fundraiser from 12:30 to 3 p.m. Oct. 4 at the Sweetwater Center for the Arts, 200 Broad St., Sewickley. Kitty "The Green Chef" Leatham will demonstrate making soup using a pumpkin as a tureen. $20 adults, $5 children, reservations due today, 412-247-1949, westernpahsa@yahoo.com . . . Slow Food Pittsburgh says goodbye to summer with a Harvest Moon Dinner at 6:30 p.m. Oct. 5 at Eleven, 1150 Smallman St., Strip District. Dinner, $60; wine pairings, $30. Reservations: 412-201-5656.

Contest winners at the Washington County Fair last month include Denise Fife, Washington, Malt-O-Meal, Cocoa Raspberry Cupcakes; Shannon Pelissero, Finleyville, Great American SPAM Championship, Cuban SPAM-wiches (her recipe moves on to national judging); kids division, Marlana Margaria, 15, of Avella, Turkey Pot Pie. Recipes: statefairrecipes.com/winning-recipes/winning-recipes.php.

• 1/2 medium onion
• 3 medium red potatoes
• 1/2 cup mushrooms
• 1 stalk celery
• 12-ounce can SPAM Oven Roasted Turkey
• 10-ounce package frozen mixed vegetables, thawed
• 1/2 cup milk
• 1/2 cup heavy whipping cream
• 1 package turkey gravy mix
• 1 package refrigerated pie crust (2 crusts)

Preheat oven to 425 degrees.

Chop the onion, potatoes, mushrooms, celery and Oven Roasted Turkey SPAM. Combine in large mixing bowl with the mixed vegetables.

Combine the milk, cream and turkey gravy mix in a nonstick skillet and stir until thickened. Remove from heat.

Roll out refrigerated pie crusts and place one crust in the bottom of a pie dish. Pour in vegetable and SPAM mixture. Pour turkey gravy evenly over the top of the SPAM mixture. Put the top crust over the pie dish and crimp the edges.

Bake at 425 degrees for 30 minutes.

Remove from oven and let sit for 10 minutes before slicing and serving.

-- Marlana Margaria