As I watch Pittsburgh and southwestern Pennsylvania prepare for the upcoming G-20 summit I have in general been impressed by the mobilization that is taking place to put the best face possible on the place.

People across the country and some fellow Pittsburghers are marveling at the forbearance that the people of the region are showing toward the improvements taking place. Grumbling remains low as streets are repaired, eliminating potholes for the moment, familiar unsightly eyesores are spruced up and hotels reach occupancy rates they haven't seen since the Cyril Wecht trial.

However, major revisions still are needed if we are to present the best image possible to the world.

The first is that the Pittsburgh Pirates need to be taken over by the government. Pittsburgh plans to make a big thing of the success and renown of its sports teams, notably the Steelers and the Penguins. In that regard the situation of the Pirates, setting a new record for straight losing seasons, is simply unacceptable.

The city cannot be seen to be doing nothing about it either, particularly since we taxpayers built the stadium. Just as last year and earlier this year when the bankers and financiers were mismanaging the nation's financial system and the government moved in and took over, so must it now take over the Pirates, with the world's leaders coming, the season continuing and the Pirates diving to new depths of abysmal performance.

Nationalization, an early close to the season and a ban on discussion of the painful subject are the steps called for on an urgent basis at this point to enable us to stress our sports champion status to the G-20 visitors with a measure of truth. Consistent with the green theme, we can tell them that PNC Park is an experimental agriculture station for raising different kinds of grass.

The second step Pittsburgh needs to take in advance of the summit is to change the names of its rivers. Allegheny, Monongahela and even Ohio are simply too hard for foreigners to pronounce, much less remember. Most Americans can't even get them right. How is some poor Chinese or Saudi Arabian supposed to learn them?

The city should put the naming rights to them up for sale, using the money to pay the part of the costs of the summit that neither Washington nor Harrisburg are going to pick up. The three rivers could become the UPMC, the Highmark and the PNC, for example. Depending on who has the deepest pockets, one could become the K.L. Gates or the Duquesne Light, although that sounds like a beer. Whatever they become, the rivers cannot be left with unpronounceable Native American names when the world's leaders are in town. One of them might fall in and not know where he was.

The third serious change that needs to be made before the visitors arrive is government consolidation in Allegheny County. The people preparing presentations for the leaders, designed to persuade them that Pittsburgh is modern, green and skillful at adopting change as a strategy in the face of economic adversity, have already realized that there is no way to explain to a rational human being why this place is divided up into 130 or so boroughs, townships and other governmental units. It gets worse when they have to say that these places bear the names of fruit, such as Plum, and extraterrestrial bodies, such as Moon. One is called Castle Shannon and another Fox Chapel. Foreigners already have funny ideas about the different forms of religion in the United States. Is West Deer a form of species identification or a hunting guide?

Other fixes needed are perhaps easier and more on the practical level. Is there any way to get Pittsburghers to stop spitting their chewing gum on the sidewalk? One is struck by the possible vision of the finance minister of some country to which the United States owes trillions of dollars stuck to a sidewalk on Smithfield Street, performing the unique dance of someone trying to get gum off his shoe without touching the disgusting, unsanitary stuff.

Another ghastly vision is that of someone from a more civilized, orderly country crossing a Downtown street with the light, only to be struck down by a motorist with glazed eyes bearing a Steelers flag, talking on a cellphone, turning right on red without looking or taking a "Pittsburgh left." We need to protect the poor devils from this fate. At least warn them. It would be embarrassing if we kill one of them. Even a prolonged convalescence here wouldn't help, even though we are proud of our medical facilities.

With these important reforms in place we would be more or less ready for prime time. And, don't worry, we could turn most of this stuff around once the visitors are gone and return to the good old days that we love.