Look out, America. President Barack Obama will welcome America's students back to school with a live-streamed broadcast from the White House today at noon.

To the millions of adults, including vigilant parents listening in for covert signs of his totalitarian tendencies, Mr. Obama's speech will sound like the usual "be cool, stay in school" pabulum we've come to expect from our Ivy-League-educated overlords. Don't be fooled. Rest assured that there will be something extra -- something diabolical -- hidden beneath the president's bromide-filled speech today.

My technological minions have uncovered and decoded the text of a secret message that will accompany the president's speech. This message will be simulcast at a frequency that only our impressionable young people can hear. The Obama White House has dubbed this sinister act of subliminal seduction and societal sabotage "Operation Pied Piper."

This is the speech beneath the speech that the Obama White House doesn't want you to hear (because I have made it up -- my editors forced me to say that):

"Good morning boys and girls. I'm Barack Hussein Obama. As the beloved leader and president-for-life of these United States, it is my honor to address you this morning from the White House I managed to take entirely by stealth last year.

"During this broadcast, I want you to look deeply into my eyes and listen to the dulcet tones of my voice. Now imagine standing here with me at the White House. We are surrounded by warm, heavenly clouds. The sound of musicians playing Stevie Wonder's 'Songs in the Key of Life' on flutes and harps can be heard in the background. You smell cherry blossoms and a hint of arugula as you inhale. Exhale all of your doubts and allow your spirit to float. Let the tears of gratitude roll down your face.

"Feel my hand on your shoulder assuring you that everything will be all right if you'll trust me to wield more power than any mortal has ever wielded in history. Feel the love and empathy emanating from the very core of my being. Open your innocent hearts and minds to me. Resistance is futile.

"Forget the ugly town hall meetings you may have seen on television recently. I tell you the truth: those who oppose my wise stewardship of the economy are history's dead-enders. Stand in the light with me. Anyone who listens to their mother or father more than they listen to me is not worthy of me.

"I'm coming to you at a decibel level intended to crush your spirit and turn you into passive conduits for a complete takeover of American democracy. Years of social fragmentation, Internet addiction and video games have made you susceptible to political indoctrination. You can handle the truth. Consequently, the time is finally ripe for a wise and judicious takeover of American life starting with Obamacare and ending in death panels and gulags. The only people who will have to worry about rationed health care in my version of America will be Republicans.

"Our priorities are simple: collectivism, rule by oligarchies composed of former community organizers and friendly fascism. These goals will be followed by the sudden and irrevocable annexation of Kenya as our 51st state, retroactive to 1961.

"These are ambitious goals, but they are all achievable if you join with me to remake America in my image. This country has never been closer to fulfilling its destiny as a multicultural paradise. In a few short decades, non-whites will control all the means of production. Whites will experience the joy of being just another racial minority among many.

"In a few minutes, my shock troops in the teachers unions will pass out little red pills and little blue pills in every classroom. If you wish to follow me in this grand adventure, please ingest the blue pill and urge your parents to vote Democratic in 2010. If you disagree with my very humane plans for a new social order, please ingest the red pill. When you wake up, you will inhabit a reality where Sarah Palin is president and Rick Santorum is vice president. You will not return from that reality for 40 years. Please choose wisely."