When it was announced that Pittsburgh would host the upcoming G-20 summit, the White House press corps moved from dropped-jaw disbelief to laughter.

And they didn't just laugh. They guffawed. They scoffed. They tittered.

We were understandably offended, which is why ever since, we've been very, very serious about getting ready for our starring moment on the international stage. As part of this effort, the city and county have jointly proclaimed Sept. 12 a massive, citywide Redd-Up Day.

Sept. 12? This Saturday? But the G-20 doesn't begin until Sept. 24 -- a full 12 days after our supposed Redd-Up.

Not to boast, of course, since I'm one of thousands, but I've done quite a few Redd-Ups. I even help organize them in my North Side neighborhood -- buying the work gloves, making sandwiches for volunteers, and, you know, actually picking up the bazillion empty Doritos bags that grow on playgrounds.

What I know from sad experience is that within three or four days, the neighborhood looks pretty much like it did before we expended all that effort.

No one should expect the city to still look clean 12 days after the Redd-Up. Hereabouts, we go from Redd-Up to Messed-Up in about four days.

So why schedule the city's scouring so far in advance of our moment of need?

Some of you right-wing, nut-job, conspiracy theorists (redundancy alert!) may think you smell a plot. You certainly know there's a big rally that same day in Washington, D.C. It's an effort to recapture the renewed commitment and clarity of purpose the nation felt the day after 9/11 -- a revival being spearheaded by a shy and retiring TV/radio personality named Glenn Beck.

And since you conservatives are, by definition, unthinking sheep, busloads of you are rolling out of Pittsburgh early that morning to do your evil master's bidding.

Now, the potential problem -- and don't blame me, I'm just the messenger -- is that statistics show conservatives out-give liberals on average by a margin of 2 to 1. Time, money, even blood -- it's true. (See Arthur Brooks' book "Who Really Cares: The Surprising Truth About Compassionate Conservatism.") So you conspiracy buffs may be thinking that, given your generous tendencies, this counter-scheduling is an effort by the local powers-that-be to sabotage your participation in the national 9/12 event. They know you put the local interests (those "little platoons") before the national, right?

Nah -- our leaders ain't that smart.

And anyway, Pittsburgh defies expectations on this point (and many others). I know this because I've listened to you natives talk -- at community gatherings and board meetings and volunteer projects -- and you don't have me fooled: You Pittsburgh Democrats may be committed to one-party government even unto the end of the age, but you are generous and community-oriented and -- gasp! -- you believe in private initiatives to fix public problems.

In other words, you vote left, but you live right.

So even if Pittsburgh's handful of "out and proud" Republican conservatives take off for D.C., the work's still gonna get done.

It will get done, but it will not last. So why didn't they choose 9/19 for the Redd-Up?

Inspiration struck: I looked at the Steelers schedule and sure enough, while Thursday the 10th is the season-opening home game, the game on the 20th will be played in Chicago.

But really, in this economy how many of you are heading to Chicago? Surely there aren't so many going that we wouldn't still have plenty here to Redd-Up.

Then I saw that the 19th is Rosh Hashanah -- Jewish New Year -- a holy day which our Jewish neighbors might not want to spend picking up other people's trash.

Holy conservative conundrum! How to respect cultural traditions and still get the city clean close enough to the event that we have a prayer of keeping it clean? Schedule the Redd-Up for both Saturday and Sunday: I won't mind if people pick up litter on my holy day and hope they don't mind if I pick it up on theirs.

Not perfect, but a reasonable compromise in pursuit of the greater good. So ... how could our leaders not know how quickly our streets and sidewalks get dirty?

I realized it's because they work so hard for us the people. They get up and leave home before sun-up and they work or stay at the strip clubs ... so late that they get home after dark. They never really see the trash!

That's what it is, isn't it? It's our leaders' devotion to public service that's gotten in the way of sensible planning. The only solution -- for the G-20 and forever -- is to start redding up and then just never stop.