Why stop with a banner?

The Downtown Hilton is going for the civic version of a fig leaf next month, slapping a humongous banner across its lower front to hide its nasty bits of unfinished reconstruction.

"Pittsburgh Welcomes the World!" it will proclaim.

That's swell, but I'm not sure that's enough to get us ready for our G-20 close-up next month. That's why I'm backing this suggestion from Bruce Mountjoy, a reader from Ingram.

"Why not hire actors to portray construction workers and have them wander around the site?" Mr. Mountjoy asked in an e-mail last week. "Instead of an abandoned project, we have a vibrant new hotel on the rise!!"

International delegates may be too preoccupied with, you know, this whole worldwide recession thing to even notice. But let's face it, like so many successful parties, this G-20 affair will be all about fooling the guests. The "Welcome World" banner is merely a softer version of what my mother did when my brother's prospective in-laws were coming to our house for the first time:

"Brian, when you serve the drinks, give yourself the chipped glass."

You have to wonder how much any of this really matters. Not much happens at these summits; most stuff is hashed out long before the leaders arrive for their face time. Another reader, Susan -- "just Susan" -- in Beechview wrote to say that all the frantic preparation is starting to remind her of the "M*A*S*H" episode where Gen. Douglas MacArthur is scheduled to visit.

As the 4077th was busily preparing, she recalled, "MacArthur's entourage makes a premature arrival at the camp. The general's motorcade rolls through, MacArthur looks up from reading something in his Jeep and salutes Klinger dressed as the Statue of Liberty. Then the motorcade continues on, never stopping for a moment to take part in any of the festivities.

"I'm thinking that the G-20 is going to be like this," Susan continued. "I don't think that the French contingent will give a flying hoot whether we have redded up much or not. Our mayor and county executive are reminding me of Henry Blake prepping for a visit from Big Mac."

I think Susan is mostly right, though I also believe that if the French hear we've "redded up," they'll find that quaint and will regret even more their being forced to skedaddle in 1758.

The other part of preparing for this party is, of course, worrying about who will crash it.

The world's financial leaders aren't held in the highest esteem these days. Pittsburgh is welcoming them in a bit of timing akin to inviting international levee builders to New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. This is why purchasing managers in the skyscrapers of the Golden Triangle are pricing gas masks and bulletproof vests.

The summit can be prepared down to the last detail. Right now, there's probably someone planning the seating who's saying, "Whatever you do, don't sit the Italians next to the French. They'll be arguing the relative merits of stinky cheese and wine all night when they're supposed to be reforming the International Monetary Fund."

The fact is we're welcoming a group that's supposed to represent 85 percent of the world economy and about two-thirds of its population. They're going to be cocooned in our big "green" convention center, not squeezing cantaloupes in the Strip District. The average Pittsburgh shouldn't be sweating the small stuff. The big stuff is on the agenda, and if this economy has never made you perspire, your glands aren't working.