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Cat's Call
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
34 Blvd. of the Allies
Pittsburgh, Pa. 15222

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DEAR CAT: Here's a tough one. Since our second child was born in the mid-'90s, my wife and I have sex only once or twice per year. I still love her -- although markedly less so because of the lack of sex -- and I do not want to break up our "happy home." To me the problem seems entirely emotional, but counseling has been rejected, and I'm not sure I could go back now anyway. We're both in decent and presentable physical condition, and we used to have sex regularly and enthusiastically. I've never cheated before, but now I'm sorely tempted. Cat's call? -- TEMPTED TO CHEAT

DEAR TEMPTED: It's not tough for me to tell you cheating isn't the answer. You'd get a quick "fix," then return home to the same problems, this time with guilt (which lasts forever). So the problem is "emotional," but you're not willing to work on it? That's not the response of a man who truly loves his wife, it's the response of a spoiled and immature man. Your wedding vows didn't include a sex pact, and nobody said marriage and kids would be a bed of roses every day. (BTW, rose petals on the bed is a great idea!) If you want a better, happier, more vibrant relationship with your wife, lovingly push her to face this problem with you. If that requires counseling, just do it. When it comes to marriage ...

CAT'S CALL: Put your all into it before skipping out on her, your children and your vows.

DEAR CAT: I've worked with a girl for three years. In the past six months we've become really close and go out a lot, which I love. The problem: She's in a relationship and has been since I met her. We've admitted feelings for each other, and when her boyfriend is around she totally ignores him to be with me. I'd never ask her to change her life for me, but she comes on really strong and gets physical with me -- often asking me to spend the night at her place (which I've done, on the couch or in the guest bedroom). She has said she's not going to marry the boyfriend and wants to be with me. I'm really confused. I think she is in a comfort zone and doesn't want to start a new relationship. At the same time I don't think this is fair. My friends advise playing it slow, but I don't know if I should wait or make a stronger move. Any advice would be great. -- CONFUSED

DEAR CONFUSED: Your friends are right, to a point. You should play it slow, as in tortoise slow, as in cut this off until you're treated with respect. Your instincts about fairness are right on. She is a cheater and a liar, and you excuse her behavior while she a) has you whenever she wants, b) enjoys the jealousy of her boyfriend (yes, he notices that she ignores him in your presence), and c) gets to have two boycakes and eat them. You don't have to force her to choose, but just remember, if you're willing to be her second choice...

CAT'S CALL: She'll never put you first.