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Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
34 Blvd. of the Allies
Pittsburgh, Pa. 15222
DEAR CAT: Last year at this time I was diagnosed with cancer and began months of chemotherapy. I am happy to say I beat it and am now cancer-free! My question to you is: Am I damaged goods, so to speak, when it comes to women and dating now? I am a single, straight, never-been-married, educated thirtysomething male. I'm pretty average-looking and in decent shape. I have a great family and wonderful friends. Why am I still single? I have always been a "friend" to girls, not a "boyfriend," and I don't know why. Since I've had limited success in the past with women, it seems that being a cancer survivor is a strike against me. I appreciate your thoughts. -- DAMAGED GOODS?
DEAR GOODS: Congratulations! Beating cancer is an incredible feat. That's hardly a strike against you; it's living proof of your strength, determination and overall health. Now on to your women woes ... Everyone gets "friended" now and again, but when it's habitual, the finger can be pointed at only one culprit: your M.O. I'm a big fan of people being honest about their intentions. If you want to date a woman, don't settle for friendship because it won't be sincere (and will most likely end when she starts dating someone else). If you like a woman, let her know by asking her out. If she says no, move on. Making a habit of accepting "friendship" when it's not what you want is a waste of energy. Likewise, not asking for -- and going for -- what you do want is a waste of opportunity. You can't always know why someone doesn't like you back, but ...
CAT'S CALL: You'll never know anything if you don't go for it.
DEAR CAT: Here is the scenario: I've been seeing "Jane" for four months, and it's the best relationship I've ever had in my life. One evening I finally told her that I love her, and she was very happy. I thought she was about to cry. But she didn't say it back! She said she "has deep feelings for me," but she isn't ready to say, "I love you" yet. As you can imagine, that's not the result I was hoping for, but I think it's prudent to wait a little longer rather than end this amazing relationship. Your call? -- UNREQUITED LOVE?
DEAR U.L.: Saying "I love you" is like having sex -- it changes everything. So she didn't immediately return the sentiment, but timing is important; she might love you, too, and need more time to digest the consequences of saying it back. Your instinct to wait is smart and mature. If you stick around, she might feel safe enough to take that step (you don't want her to say the words out of feeling pressure to do so, right?). On the flip side, there is a chance her feelings don't match yours. If you start to feel like the relationship has progressed as much as it can, then move on. But until then ...
CAT'S CALL: Enjoy being in love and the thrill of not knowing what's to come.
