The Social Security Administration last week issued the list of most popular names of 2008's newborns, and try as Brangelina might, their future hockey team of children Shiloh, Zahara, Maddox, Pax, Knox and Vivienne matched none of the names Americans actually like. (A Pax upon both Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie?)

Instead, the most stunning development was the rise of Emma to the top baby name for girls, ending Emily's 12-year reign. Jacob remained No. 1 among boys for the 10th straight year -- though if the Penguins continue doing well, we're counting on Ruslan or Sergei supplanting the Jakes in 2009.

People desperate to avoid the mistake made by so many parents in 1900, when John and Mary were the most popular names (What were those moms and dads thinking? Imagine the playground taunting...) gravitate toward the headlines to help with their decisions.

For instance, Barack moved up 10,126 places last year to 2,409, according to the Social Security Administration. Yes, the president's name still has a ways to go to get into the Top 10, or even the Top 1,000, but he should feel hopeful -- as he so often does -- from the positive trends.

He can just look at Ethan. Half a century ago, Ethan ranked 883rd among newborn males. Today, he is third. Why? Um ... well ... people must have liked how Ethan Coen helped his brother make cool films about half the time they tried. Other than that, we're stumped.

At www.ssa.gov, you can learn some interesting things about yourself -- or at least, about your name. For instance, you can discover the history of your name's popularity going back to 1880. And it can be quite dispiriting.

Let me save you other Garys some trouble: There was a time we weren't so much better off than the Baracks of the world.

In 1884, there were 1,029 more popular names for male babies in America. But we made a big move during the Depression, and then all the fecund returning vets on the GI Bill loved us after World War II. By 1954, we were ninth in the country, feeling cocky.

And where do the Garys stand today? Uh, 426th. Where did we go wrong? Gary Hart's womanizing? Gary Busey's strangeness?

At www.babynamewizard.com, author Laura Wattenberg has done some quick analysis of the latest Social Security Administration rankings. And it's bad news for you excessive Jacobs, Joshuas, Jesses, Jessies, Jessicas, etc., out there.

"America's long J-joyride seems to be winding down," Ms. Wattenberg notes. "A whopping 12 of the 30 fastest-falling names of the year started with J, versus zero of the 30 fastest rising. The momentum is moving away from the letter that has reigned as America's favorite throughout the generations."

She says the trend for many new parents is to focus on cheery-sounding names that connect somehow to popular culture, but often with the family's own twist on lettering. Hence the following are among hot names: Marley, Caylee, Miley, Marely and Marlee. So yes, a badly behaved dog is a great name source.

Ms. Wattenberg refers to the popularity of the "Bell Tone" style of names: "Listen to parents calling out names at your local playground and it may sound like bells chiming. The sharp clang of a consonant launches clear, bright long vowels: Bay-lee! Cay-den! Ja-cey! It's the distinctive chorus of our time. ... They're 180 degrees removed from the Orvilles and Velmas of the 'Porch Sitter' era."

Ms. Wattenberg is right; we don't know too many Orvilles or Velmas. We don't know any Ethels, either, because they went from being sixth in the country in 1896 to out of the top 1,000 since 1976. Gertrude was a staple in the top 30 a century ago and hasn't been worth counting since 1965. Agnes fell off the map after 1972 (a flood victim, no doubt).

Ezekiel, on the other hand, achieved his highest ranking ever at 241 last year.

Meanwhile, the celebrities kept branding their own new models in 2008 quite distinctly: Nicole Richie's daughter Harlow; Halle Berry's daughter Nahla; Cate Blanchett's son Ignatius; Jessica Alba's daughter Honor; Nicole Kidman's daughter Sunday; and Gwen Stefani's son Zuma.

John or Mary? Pull-eeze.