Archaeologists recently discovered a partial transcript of what callers to a talk radio show in Jerusalem said on a busy Friday some 2,000 years ago. Though translated into English from the original Aramaic, it is clear that some things haven't changed much in two millennia:

Host: You're listening to the "Burning Bush," the voice of truth straight out of the Hinnom Valley. All morning the phones have been ringing off the hook about Jesus of Nazareth, the unlucky fellow who was crucified, oh, about two hours ago at Golgotha on the outskirts of Jerusalem. Let's get back to the phones. Oran from es-Samrah, way up there in the Gadarene suburbs, you're on the "Burning Bush" with Aram Dagon.

Caller: Hey, Aram -- first-time caller, long-time listener. Let me just say I'm glad Jesus got what was coming to him. About three years ago, he and his so-called disciples, a bunch of socialists if you ask me, were here in the Gadarenes drowning pigs by the hundreds in the Sea of Galilee.

Host: I vaguely remember that. You're saying the guy who was crucified this morning was involved in that? Didn't they cast demons out of some homeless guy and into a herd of pigs? It didn't make any sense to me at the time, either.

Caller: Yeah, it was an exorcism that involved some dude from the neighborhood who called himself Legion. Look, my cousins just want to be compensated for the theft and loss of their property. They're obviously going to have to sue Jesus' family to get it since he's going to be dead in a few hours.

Host: No doubt about that. Let's go to Yanai checking in from Sepphoris. You're on the "Burning Bush." By the way, we're going to be broadcasting from beautiful, downtown Sepphoris next week. Make sure you come by to say "hi" if you're in the area.

Caller: Thanks for taking my call, Aram. Is it true that when he was arrested, this Jesus character told one of his disciples to put away his sword and not to defend him?

Host: That's true, according to our source on the Sanhedrin. He said something about those living by the sword dying by the sword. He didn't mince any words about it, either.

Caller: Wow. It doesn't sound like he believes in our right to self-defense. How does he expect us to rise up against our Roman oppressors when the Messiah comes if we can't carve up a centurion or two before they haul us off to Golgotha? I say good riddance to any fool that looks down his nose at righteous violence.

Host: Good point. We turn now to "Anonymous," calling in from parts unknown. You're on the "Burning Bush."

Caller: [wailing] I betrayed my Lord. Not just once, but three times today. I'm worse than Judas. I just want to apologize to my fellow disciples and ...

Host: No offense, but you sound like you're drunk to me. Moving on, we have the esteemed theologian Saul of Tarsus on the line. What's on your mind, Doctor Saul?

Caller: I think you're doing your audience a disservice by even talking about this heretic they're crucifying in Jerusalem today, Aram. He'll be forgotten in a week or two, just like all the other fake messiahs. They should round up his followers, too. A few have made it up the road to Damascus already. I've got to check it out myself.

Host: Maybe you have a point, doc, but we have to pay the bills and this is what folks want to talk about. We now go to Satan -- or is it Satin?-- calling from Golgotha. You're on the air with Aram Dagon.

Caller: Thanks, Aram. I just want to take time from my busy morning to gloat. The leader of the discredited Zionist conspiracy is minutes away from death. The local authorities and an enlightened cadre of religious leaders did a superb job of marching this simpleton to the cross.

Host: While we have you on the line, Satan, what did this guy do to deserve a humiliating public execution?

Caller: He was a race mixer. He consorted with Samaritans and Gentiles. He respected women and loved lepers and tax collectors a little too much. He was a liberal. In three years of ministry, he never denounced a single homosexual or stoned any adulterers. His kind of tolerance saps our national will. He -- wait, he's muttering something up there ...

Host: What's he saying?

Caller: "Into your hands I commit my Spirit." What the heck does that mean?

Host: This seems as good a time as any to break for a word from our sponsor. For the finest pizza in the Roman empire, come to Caeserea's Pizza Palace, now in five locations. Tell 'em Aram sent you ...