Bad economic news, bad crime news, bad weather … it's enough to make you want to tear your hair out.

And then comes the bad hair news.

Pittsburgh may have slid to No. 10 in this year's Forbes.com Most Livable Cities sweepstakes, but we come in at No. 3 in TotalBeauty.com's Worst-Hair Cities ranking. What have these people got against the mullet? It's a classic!

Actually, that's the weird part: The cities were not ranked based on poor hairstyles. I know. I had to restrain the jerk reflex in both knees long enough to read the real criteria.

You'll be less insulted when you consider that what earns a city top teasing as hair hell is a complex combination of humidity, hard water, pollution and too much sun, all of which wreak havoc on hair.

Obviously, too much sun is not Pittsburgh's problem.

And we don't have nearly the humidity issues of the Pacific Northwest, the Gulf Coast of Texas or New Orleans, where exposing yourself at Mardi Gras presents a genuine risk of life-threatening mildew.

No, the thing that makes Pittsburgh tough on tresses is the pollution. And here I was worried about what the pollution was doing to my lungs.

Pollution, which also earned Cincinnati a spot on the list, leads to "premature balding, graying and dullness" -- and it's bad for your hair, too.

I am a veteran of the battle to achieve nice hair in this climate, and I know what we're up against. In the summer, the humidity causes bangs and layers to frizz, curl up and stick out. In the winter, you can't take off a hat or pick up a brush without making your coif poof out like the tail of a demented cat. And then there's the wind.

Don't even get me started on the wind. When I worked Downtown, I could spend 20 minutes in the morning washing, conditioning, styling, curling, spraying, foaming, pinning, buffing and Simonizing my hair, and it would look great right up until I stepped outside.

Then the usual funnel cloud full of grit and flying cattle would hit it, and by the time I walked into the office, I'd look like a 3 a.m. celebrity DUI mug shot.

Incidentally, you can get a nationwide Bad Hair map from weather Web site Intellicast.com.

I kid you not.

It's like those allergy maps that show tree pollen and grass and excessive perfume in concentration gradients. Go to www.intellicast.com/health/badhairday, where the colors indicate "FRIZZ FACTOR" (the illustrative icons say it all).

I can't believe our local TV weather people haven't gotten hold of this idea yet. I want a bad hair map of the region, with reporting by the Severe Static Team, and a five-day Frizzcast™.

But there are some things you can't blame on wind and weather. I noticed them when I moved here. Back then, the '80s Big Bang effect was still going strong, but with consistent immunization and community education efforts, we're winning that battle.

There are worse epidemics now. Ladies older than 60 with copper-red or desiccated platinum-blond hair: You are not fooling anyone. Especially the mine-drainage orange shades. I haven't seen so many unnatural red dye-jobs since I was in Moscow. In 1982.

Dirty hair should not be brushed tightly down against the skull and pulled back into a limp ponytail. It should be washed.

And lastly, what can we say about the mullet (and the she-mullet) that hasn't already been said about fleas? Mostly preventable, hard to eradicate in infested areas and regrettable even on a dog.

Still, let's keep a sense of perspective. TotalBeauty seems to think people stay home from work due to bad hair. Maybe in Texas, but we are of hardier stock.

Perhaps we should let them in on the secret of our productivity: the stylish babushka.