Question: My neighbor has trouble with her strong-willed 2-year-old daughter. If the child won't say "thank you" for a gift, the mother says, "Then you can't have it," and the child says, "I don't care," and everybody ends up miserable. I think the mom would listen to advice.

Answer: Two-year-olds are ready to begin learning the basics of courtesy -- "please" when they want something, and "thank you" when something is given to them, or done for them.

But verbal instructions and logic are not the best way to teach twos. Developmentally, they're just not ready. That's one reason scolding doesn't work. It's also not effective to humiliate the child in public.

What does work? Modeling, demonstrating courtesy rather than talking about it.

It's important that the parents model the appropriate behaviors when they want something, or when someone does something for them or gives them a gift. Even small things deserve courtesies, and they should be a fundamental part of the parents' interactions with everyone, certainly including their daughter.

Modeling sets the stage, and gentle on-the-spot prompting (say "thank you," spoken softly, as if nobody else can hear) gets the immediate results. When the child does repeat the courtesy, praise her. That will let her know that what she's done is important and appropriate.

Some parents find it effective to work on the skill at home, making a game out of saying "please" and "thank you." Eventually, courtesy becomes a habit.