In a startling televised interview, the American economy today confessed that it once used illegal performance enhancing drugs, but that it has now stopped.

"It's true, I did ingest a banned substance," said a chastened economy, referring to the period beginning in the late 1990s and continuing until the housing bubble burst in 2008. "But you must understand: Everyone was doing derivatives in those days. There was no testing. No regulation. We were all into them -- Iceland, Spain, Ireland, the UK. We thought we were part of the next wave of economic innovation."

Instead, the popping of the economic bubble has resulted in the near-collapse of economies around the globe. Iceland's economy has melted. A condo on the Costa del Sol can be had for little more than the price of a bus ticket. The Irish are fondly recalling the famine of the 1840s. The English economy is so bad that Prime Minister Gordon Brown, a dour, doughy Scottish economist with the personality of a stewed turnip, is beginning to look good.

The Canadian economy issued a press release following the American economy's interview with CBS anchor Katie Couric denying that it had taken any performance enhancing drugs. "Canadians don't do derivatives," it said. "We believe in being boring. As everyone now knows, boring is the new interesting." The Canadian economy wore beige, pleated cordoroys, sensible shoes and a baby blue denim shirt when it made this statement.

The dramatic confession by the American economy came after weekend reports leaked the results of drug tests performed anonymously on global economies during the 2003 fiscal year, at the behest of the International Monetary Fund, which showed that a whole lot of bankers, brokers and politicians knew something was broken, but decided that the American way was to let the market decide when it would implode and spark a global economic crisis.

The market continues to insist that it's fine, although it could use a trillion or two in public funds to help it decide for sure.

The American economy has been hoping for some time now that everyone would just leave it alone and let the trillions-dollar bailout by the U.S. Treasury get the banks on sound footing while allowing bankers to collect their multi-million-dollar year-end bonuses, buy $35,000 drapes with which to redecorate their corporate offices and host lavish retreats in five-star resorts, where they would get to know their new colleagues. Those new colleagues are all those people from the investment houses that the banks bought out for a nickel on the dollar because none of them went to (economics! LOL!) school with the Secretary of the Treasury and thus had no access to the TARP fund, designed to save the American economy from itself.

Instead, the nattering nabobs of negativity who now dominate the business pages of the world's floundering newspapers continue to harp on a bunch of office expenses and act as if earning eight-figure year-end bonuses paid for by American taxpayers is anything but business as usual.

"Without paying our top people competitive salaries, we lose the chance to recruit the best and the brightest," said the economy, while neglecting to mention that it was the best and brightest who got us in this mess.

A recent initiative by President Barack Obama to limit the salaries of CEOs who accept bailout funds to $500,000 has been met with what can only be described as limited enthusiasm by the American economy.

"What am I supposed to do with 500K?" asked one corporate CEO. "That's car service money -- if you don't pay the taxes!"

The startling admission by the economy was a coup for the perky Ms. Couric, whose stock is way up following her stern questioning of Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin during the 2008 election.

"Katie hit the ball out of the park," said a CBS insider who declined to be identified for fear that his superiors would discover he had an opinion about anything. "If you can bring the economy to its knees on national TV, you can pretty much write your ticket in Washington these days."