Got your dinner reservation yet? Your salon appointment? That winged commando Cupid is stringing his bow once more, preparing to pierce the hearts of lace doilies and gladden the hearts of merchants and restaurateurs everywhere as he and his business partner, St. Valentine, return to exact the annual couplehood tax.

St. Valentine has elbowed his way into the limelight, like St. Patrick, and pushed other saints into the orchestra pit of obscurity. I suspect the unattached would feel much less like lepers if they had their own saint's day to celebrate.

I have, as ever, a modest suggestion -- or three:

St. Ivo of Kilmartin (May 19), patron of abandoned people.

St. John Rigby (June 21), patron of bachelors.

St. Eleanor Rigby (Aug. 5 release as double A-side with "Yellow Submarine"), patroness of all the lonely people.

The day for the unattached would be marked by reckless spending on the one person you know what to buy for: you. No risk of an awkward exchange like an HDTV for bubble bath, no crushing disappointment as you open a box and discover a bath mat or Little Mermaid flashlight you saw in the clearance bin at Bed Bath and Beyond last weekend.

Instead, you can take all the money you don't have to spend on flowers, chocolates, lingerie, tickets to movies you don't want to see and salon services you don't want to have and surprise yourself with that new laptop, those pricey down pillows, that cycling tour of Egypt or that dinner for yourself and friends at a restaurant with unlaminated menus.

(Well, to surprise yourself, you'd probably have to make the purchase about six months in advance and get yourself really drunk first, or make the purchase sober and hit yourself in the head afterward.)

But hey, if you're saddled with a significant other as Valentine's Day approaches and have to spend your valuable time trying to figure out what more this person could possibly want from you, take heart. Or, no -- that's how you got yourself into this mess in the first place.

Instead, consider these suggestions for Valentine's Day gifts that may or may not please but are sure to be remembered, long after your epic passion has been interred in a shoebox at the very back of the closet.

TwoDaLoo: Yes, the name says it all -- a toilet built for two. As the official product description says, "The TwoDaLoo features two side-by-side toilet seats with a modest privacy wall in between. An upgraded version includes a seven-inch LCD television and iPod docking station."

I thought that was gross until they mentioned the "modest privacy wall." Retail price: $1,400. Minimum order: 12. Taking away a man's last refuge: Priceless.

Quick quiz: Which of these gifts is made up?

A. Swiss Army curling iron

B. Ultraviolet toothbrush sanitizer

C. Acre of land on the moon

Answer: A. Just A. But the weird part is that an ultraviolet toothbrush sanitizer and an acre of land on the moon cost the same -- $29.99.

Those plots on the moon have great views, but no atmosphere. Hey-ohhh!

Cupid Love Gun: A red and pink plastic catapult that shoots 11/4" plastic Cupids. A fun way to hear those magical words, "restraining order."

WhipWatch: I've found that a watch makes a very fine Valentine's Day gift. This digital clock and stopwatch comes embedded in a riding crop. As birthday boy Abe Lincoln said, "People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like," and by that I mean equestrians.

Live Lobster Gram: Mail your sweetheart a burly, handcuffed crustacean with nothing to lose. I dare you.

All the angry lobsters -- where do they all come from? All the plastic Cupids -- where do they all belong?