Q. My fiancee and I are getting married next spring. She has a 4-year-old son. How can we both help him adjust to his new blended family?

A. A new adult in the family is a big change for a child. We're glad you're thinking ahead -- and we have lots of suggestions for you.

Your fiancee will need to spend a lot of time reassuring the little boy that you're not there to replace him in her life. Before and after the wedding, they should continue to spend mom-and-son time so he'll know -- from actions, not just words -- that he's still important to her.

The three of you will also need to spend quality time together so that you and your soon-to-be-stepson can develop a warm relationship. Then you can slowly introduce activities for just the two of you. But don't force it if he doesn't seem completely comfortable and ready. Let him set the pace.

In the months before and after the wedding, you and your fiancee will be wise to keep everything else in the child's life as stable as possible -- for example, his childcare, other activities, visits to grandparents and friends. You don't want him to think that your arrival means that everything is changing.

Is his biological father in his life? If so, the child needs to continue his relationship and activities with him. You're not there to take his father's place -- but to become an additional supportive and loving adult in his life.

At some point as the wedding nears, your fiancee should talk with the child about what he will call you. That's a decision in which he needs to be involved; it shouldn't be dictated to him. And keep in mind that, as he grows, he may change what he wants to call you.

Discipline can become an issue in blended families. At the beginning, walk softly. If you come on too strong, the little boy may become angry and see you as an intruder -- that could damage the likelihood of developing a good relationship. Discipline is always important, but your fiancee should take the lead and work you in slowly.

Good luck -- and best wishes on your marriage and your new role as a stepdad!