I thought about banging out one of those year-end review columns, but I just didn't have enough Prozac to get through it.

Not that nothing good happened, but 2008 was like drinking a spittoon to retrieve a silver dollar at the bottom.

Now a new year stretches out before us, and we must take every precaution to not screw it up right from the get-go. Starting with pork.

Here in Pennsylvania, particularly, we believe that pork and sauerkraut consumed on New Year's Day will bring good luck, and if you dismiss that as a superstition, I'll have yours. It has recently come to my attention that pigs are a real threat, that their forces are growing in strength, number and brazenness, and that the day is coming when we will have to fight them down to the last BLT.

They have already taken Berlin.

Thousands of wild boars are waddling around the German capital, snarling traffic, digging up cemeteries, going to market, staying home, having roast beef and crying "wee wee wee" all the way to the beer garden.

You think the deer that eat your bulbs are bad. You think the turkeys that taunt cyclists in the park are spooky. You think the Canada geese that put out their cigars by the pond in your office park ought to be deported. The German pigs are such a nuisance that the city has had to hire sharpshooting hunters.

The hairy wild boars, ancestors of the domestic pigs you may know or eat, are filling Berlin's suburbs and parks with litters and litters of piglets who grow up loving the cafes and nightlife and getting tattoos.

They also love grubs and worms, which they plow up with their snouts all over town: yards, gardens, even, according to a Wall Street Journal account, the practice field of the city's major league soccer team.

Can you imagine what would happen to a pig foolish enough to snork up the Steelers' turf on the South Side? Reduced to chipped ham in seconds.

On Berlin's streets, tires are squealing. Over 200 road hogs have been killed in accidents since spring, and the cars can't be getting off easy: Adult boars weigh as much as a football player. That will put a serious dent in your Fahrvergnugen.

Their tusks are sharp, and although the porkers are generally harmless, they get aggressive if they feel trapped. The urban swine have been known to kill dogs, and a wounded one killed a man back in October. They're also smart enough to know the city better than a cab driver, disappearing into derelict buildings or through holes in walls. It's like "West Side Story" without the dancing.

When the hunters go after the pigs, Berliners go after the hunters. True, the hunters shot themselves in the foot from a PR standpoint. There was a playground massacre. To remove any threat to the children, hunters stormed in, rifles blazing, and gunned down a whole pack of playful piggies, including a sow and her sucklings, right in front of the kinder and their stunned parents.

That's right, boys and girls: The Big Bad Wolf is packing heat, and I don't mean huff and puff.

No wonder the hunters are about as popular as a case of shingles. They underestimated the inspirational power of the hog hero, popular pigs like Wilbur and Babe and, now, Zhu Jianqiang (Strong-Willed Pig), China's most inspirational animal of 2008.

(Did we name a most inspirational animal of 2008? Can I nominate Rod Blagojevich?)

The Chinese pig was buried for 36 days after the earthquake in Sichuan. According to a UPI report, he beat out six dogs, a bird, a turtle and a cat in the online vote. (If any of the dogs was Marley, this is war.)

He survived where 90,000 people perished, though he lost 220 pounds. I predict his diet of charcoal and rainwater will be the weight-loss craze of 2009, even though he gained it all back and more.

That's my only prediction for 2009, incidentally. And my only resolution is to have a better year than 2008. You do the same. You can start by keeping your holiday festivities free of boars.