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Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
34 Blvd. of the Allies
Pittsburgh, Pa. 15222
DEAR CAT: I'm confused about feelings that I have for my ex-fiancee. We have been apart for a year now, but we have tried to make it work a couple of times after we broke up, and I still love her. It gets complicated because she cheated on her present boyfriend with me a couple of times. Plus, I was also dating someone when we had our little affair. She says she loves her off-and-on-again boyfriend, but she has feelings for me and maybe wants to try again to make us work. The problem is that she said we could "possibly" make it work again. Should I just move on with my life for good?
-- CONFUSED AND TATTERED
DEAR C & T: Funny how you omitted any indication of why the engagement ended. Sounds as if both of you view the relationship like a hobby project you have no intention of completing. Perhaps it's just a matter of maturity and readiness, but if the relationship has any chance of surviving in the real world (as opposed to the secret, sex-with-your-ex world), quit sneaking around and cheating on everybody. OK, you love her, but she loves her boyfriend and merely "has feelings" for you. Yes, you should move on with your life. Not because there's no hope but because you both need real space before trying again. Regardless of your almost-marital history, at this point neither one of you seems ready for marriage.
Cat's Call: At least not a marriage with each other.
DEAR CAT: I am a gay female and I was in a four-year relationship. For three years my lover and I enjoyed a physical relationship until she cheated on me with another woman. When her affair failed four months later, I took her back and everything was OK. For the past six months, all physical affection stopped, and her "other woman" popped back into our lives. This time she said they're only friends. But they spend weekends together without me! I'm not blind to this, so I broke it off. Now she just wants to be friends with me, and I don't even trust that either. Should I stay friends or tell her to hit the road?
-- NOT THAT DESPERATE
DEAR N.T.D.: 1) Bravo for ending it. 2) You can't truly be friends with someone you don't trust. 3) Why would you want to anyway? 4) Once your partner cheats, things are rarely OK again. 5) If you do survive cheating and "the other" re-enters the scene for any reason, dump your partner immediately. 6) She's got some nerve suggesting friendship with such a recent ex whose trust she violated repeatedly. I call that ploy "getting friended," and it's an utter insult. Not only has she not earned your friendship, but also real friendship is about two people and she only cares about herself. 7) So, should you stay friends with her?
Cat's Call: Not even if she begs and pays you.
