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Parenting: Put a stop to name-calling
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Q. I was just informed by another mother that my son, who is in kindergarten, is consistently calling her son bad names at school. I talked with a couple of other moms and they say the other boy is not doing anything to provoke this. I didn't think that children this age would do something like that.

A. Young children can certainly act this way -- kindergarten teachers often hear things like "You're not my friend" and "You can't sit with me!"

That's because this is the age when many children begin to explore the power of exclusion. Happily, it's also prime time to work on pro-social behaviors.

You should immediately sit down with your son. Don't overreact; stay calm, but do help him understand that this is a serious problem that must stop.

At this point, it will be easier to help your son change his behaviors than it would be later on, when simple name-calling can advance to full-fledged bullying. All these behaviors signal a lack of empathy with other children's reactions, so your job is to try to help your son understand how the other child feels when it happens.

Ask him questions such as, "How would it make you feel if [insert friend's name] said that you were a [insert a name your son has called the other child]?" Give several examples and probe his reactions until he understands that name-calling results in sad, angry, hurt feelings -- and that he's making the other child feel this way.

Once empathy is built, it can be fragile at first, so be sure to reinforce it every few days. At the same time, let your son know that name-calling won't be tolerated. Decide on appropriate consequences, make sure your son understands what they will be -- and then enforce them if the name-calling happens again.

Three final thoughts

1. Call the school and discuss the situation with the teacher. Ask for help in reinforcing your son's developing empathy, and ask her or him to work with you if further name-calling occurs. Delivering consistent messages to your son is important.

2. Make a follow-up call to the other child's mother to let her know you're working on the situation. Ask her to keep you informed if there are further incidents.

3. Keep a close eye on the people around your son, at home and at school. Might your son be imitating another child? And remember: you're the No. 1 role model for your son -- so be sure he's not observing you saying unkind things to other people.

Nationally accredited, 4 Kids Early Learning Network serves children and families throughout the Mon Valley. Through this column, 4 Kids staff members answer reader questions about raising children in the critical early years. E-mail questions for consideration to: questions@4kidsearlyed.org, or mail to: 4 Kids Questions, 445 Fourth St., Braddock, PA 15104.
First published on October 22, 2008 at 12:00 am
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