When the most heated back and forth of a presidential race revolves around makeup on animals, you know we're heading into an idiotic election season. Even Woody Allen couldn't have invented this, and he's made movies about sheep in black stockings and garter belts.

The Republicans have a lot to answer for in this campaign. It's no wonder they'd rather talk about which creatures should wear Revlon.

This is the party that spent the last eight years tripling the deficit, putting us in hock to China for the next millennium, driving the dollar into the sewer, invading Iraq without provocation, turning the United States into a torture state in the eyes of the world, putting lobbyists in charge of policy and corrupt cronies in charge of government agencies.

But let's not quibble over details. It's much more fun to whip up phony controversies and see how far they'll blow.

This one begins when John McCain's largely unknown running mate introduces herself to the American people as a pit bull in lipstick. The phrase bears a striking resemblance to the pre-existing bromide about swine, but never mind. The GOP now considers itself in sole possession of all future cosmetic-zoologic references. Any mention of eye shadow on an elephant, or perfume on a skunk, must now be read as an insult to the hottest governor from the coldest state.

Having staked out this territory, Republicans pounce on the first infringement, unleashing the most bravura performance of crocodile tears since Anne Baxter starred in "All About Eve."

Barack Obama, addressing the GOP's brazen effort to recast itself as the party of change despite its eight-year death grip on Washington, says the attempt is like putting lipstick on a pig. The sirens immediately flip into overdrive. The Democrat called Sarah Palin a pig! How dare he!

Except that the noise machine didn't vet the phrase before going ballistic. Turns out Mr. McCain uses "lipstick on a pig" all the time, including references to Hillary Clinton's health-care plan. Was he calling Mrs. Clinton a pig? Of course not! And he'd never stand for anyone else doing it, either. The senator is more comfortable with another word. "How do we beat the bitch?" asked a woman at 2007 primary campaign event. The crowd and Mr. McCain laughed, but then he replied, "Excellent question" -- and they weren't talking about Sarah Palin.

The fake outrage got a real boost from South Carolina Democratic chairwoman Carol Fowler, who said Mr. McCain's running mate's "primary qualification seems to be that she hasn't had an abortion." Even if the Palins didn't have a son with Down syndrome, this utterance would have been patently offensive on every level. Ms. Fowler soon apologized, and the Obama camp disavowed the remark, echoing Mr. McCain's insistence that state parties don't speak for him.

Still, the phrase will have a long and useful life in cyberspace, alongside bogus claims that Ms. Palin called dinosaurs "lizards of Satan" (she didn't) and that Mr. Obama is a Muslim (he isn't).

Both candidates began this race claiming they'd end the divisiveness that sets us against each other. Mr. Obama likes to insist that we are one America, not red and blue America. The map says otherwise. Republicans are skilled at exploiting those divisions to the hilt -- and no one knows that better than Mr. McCain, who was once Karl Rove's target. Now the "maverick" has gotten the message -- if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. The party on view at his convention isn't just intensifying the culture wars, it's mining new territory:

• Small towns are good, communities are bad and communities that organize to improve conditions are a punch line.

• Sexism was a figment of whiny liberals' victimization complex, until it reared its ugly head in their own nominee's direction. Having had a taste of the real thing (nobody asks men if they can be fathers and politicians at the same time), they began meeting every question about their female nominee with cries of gender bias -- only months after they and their surrogates gleefully trashed Mrs. Clinton's laugh, age, wrinkles and ankles.

• Pregnant, unmarried teens facing shotgun weddings symbolize family values if the family comprises Christian conservatives. Pregnant, unmarried other teens -- and let's not even add race to the mix -- symbolize the moral decay of a permissive society. Remember, Bill O'Reilly blamed Jamie Lynn Spears' pregnancy on her "pinhead" parents, but in Bristol Palin's case, well, these things happen.

The media love these food fights because covering them is quick and dirty. The longer they keep viewers interested, the less airtime they have to fill with boring issues.

Meanwhile, we have a tanking economy, a bankrupt mortgage industry, lost jobs and homes, a worsening health-care crisis (Mr. McCain's solution is to tax employers on the cost of benefits they provide workers), climate change threatening increasing waves of Katrina-like events, and yet another government scandal, this time at the Interior Department, featuring bribery, sex, drugs and offshore drilling.

Tell me again why anyone wants this job? Oh, right. It's to make a difference in people's lives. Maybe they should just pass out free lipstick.