Just when I thought I had successfully ducked the Olympics, I hear something that snaps my head around. It seems not all of the athletic feats in Beijing were televised.

Apparently, Games organizers encouraged the spirit of international goodwill in the Olympic Village by distributing 100,000 condoms. For 10,500 competitors. Man, that's a lot of goodwill.

Maybe you already knew about this. I admit I'm late to the party, because I have never paid much attention to the Olympics. I can't relate to people who have spent most of their young lives in a pool or a gym or a rink, getting up at 4 a.m., practicing and sweating and falling and struggling, developing eating disorders where they either wolf down 17 full-grown buffalo and half a bushel of oats or suck the juice out of a single grape and feel guilty for actually swallowing it.

I don't mind a little swimming or skiing now and then, but I want to do it myself, not watch someone else do it, any more than I want to watch someone else soak in a nice hot bath or deposit a very large check. It's not that I don't admire people who are really good at sports. But I also admire very good writers, and I wouldn't plop down in front of the TV in the middle of the night to watch a novelist frown into her monitor, type a few words, delete them, scribble something on a notepad by the keyboard, stare out the window and then get up to pour another cup of coffee. Or bourbon, as the case may be.

It turns out considerable action and excitement at the Olympics goes on after hours, and the judges aren't the ones doing the scoring.

Love may be among many things clearly visible in the air in Beijing, but condom distribution has been going on for a long time. In 2000, the 70,000 handed out in Sydney disappeared like latex hotcakes, and an additional 20,000 were needed. The Reuters UK story I got the numbers from doesn't say where the additional supplies were found, but I like to imagine an emergency grassroots condom drive, where men in pubs and sheep stations all over Down Under are asked to chip in. "No worries!" they say cheerfully, reaching for their wallets, because Australians are famous for being friendly.

Athens didn't want to be caught unprepared, so in 2004, the Olympic Village was showered with 130,000 condoms, which seems to be the record so far. According to Reuters, "The Foundation for AIDS Research ... said 100,000 were distributed at the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics in 2002 after a plan to distribute 250,000 condoms met protests by religious groups and was scaled back."

This raises a couple of questions, the first being, "250,000 condoms? Are you kids saving ANYTHING for the luge?"

Also, what sort of religious groups thought 250,000 was excessive but 100,000 was OK? Was there some kind of negotiation? Did it involve a tiny angel and devil on an IOC official's shoulders? Or did someone calculate how many sexual encounters per athlete was seemly?

"No, listen, 10,000 athletes for, say, 15 nights, with 250,000 condoms, works out to 1 2/3 condoms per athlete per night! That's shameful! They're here to win medals, not, you know ..."

"Uh, what are they supposed to do with 2/3 of a condom? I think that kind of defeats the purpose."

"Excuse me, are we talking about condoms or encounters? Because I'm not sure a condom is needed for 2/3 of an encounter ..."

"And each encounter is going to involve two athletes, each of whom will have 1 2/3, so that adds up to 2 and ... wait ... I was never good with fractions ..."

It all started in Barcelona in '92, where free condoms were handed out to promote awareness of AIDS. It's been done ever since because, the training and the politics and the heartwarming inspirational stories of struggle against overwhelming odds and personal tragedy aside, what you have there at the Olympics is thousands of young, fit persons with tremendous stamina who have been under the watchful eyes of parents and coaches since childbirth and who, after their thrill of victory or agony of defeat, have a lot of free time before they go home to be on cereal boxes.

Torches will be lit.

Not by Michael Phelps, though, I bet. First, I don't see where he could carry a wallet. Second, from what I've heard, he spends all his time either swimming or eating, which makes him a shark. Not a rabbit.

I just hope Chinese condoms are better than Chinese toys. It's hard to go for gold with a pocket full of lead.