Moved to anger by a recent political spot on the Internet drawing sly parallels between Barack Obama and the Antichrist -- the John McCain campaign Web ad "The One" -- the Real Antichrist(TM) 666 wrote to the Republican's political operation. He complained of copyright infringement.

His cease-and-desist letters, addressed to the candidate, were obtained by this column's investigative unit. Obviously, his identity could not be fully verified by deadline yesterday:

"To the Honorable Sen. John McCain, hapless tool of the Republican corporatist machine and inadvertent blasphemer of all that Christian fundamentalists hold sacred:

"Please allow me to introduce myself. For security reasons, I can only give you the titles I'm known by in sacred literature. I'm the Beast, the Angel of the Bottomless Pit, the Adversary, Damien, the Man of Sin, the Son of the Morning, the Ultimate Scofflaw and the Antichrist 666.

"It has come to our attention as we prepare your world for the Great Tribulation that will follow the eight years of plagues and locusts of the Bush Tribulation Cycle that one of our innovative political spots -- specifically the Internet ad campaign 'The One' -- has been appropriated by your admirably nefarious political operation and remixed for domestic consumption.

"While we admire your impeccable taste for what fools most Americans all of the time, we can't allow you to continue satirizing a perfectly fine messiah-in-waiting campaign designed to eventually spotlight my own virtues when the Beast shall be revealed. You cheapen the dignity of the Real Antichrist 666 by ascribing my infernal presumption to this earnest babbler, Barack Obama.

"If the American public is to respect and fear me when I finally appear on the scene, they mustn't be confused with this blasphemy that I'm a black guy with a funny name. You're ruining my 4,000-year-old brand with this nonsense. Stop at once, or suffer the consequences

"Very truly yours,

The Real Antichrist 666"

"Dear John McCain, dupe of forces he can't begin to understand:

"Salutations from the Son of Perdition, the Wicked Man, the Mighty One and Gregory Peck's vile spawn (but much handsomer).

"I hear that two of my former demoniacs now work for your campaign. That explains a lot. Alex Castellanos, who did such great work for the late Sen. Jesse Helms on his racist 'white hands' ad and Steve Schmidt, the most promising of Karl Rove's evil disciples, are crafting the kind of campaign you once swore you'd never run. Schmidt is credited with creating 'The One' spot that has done so much to hold the office of Antichrist up to ridicule.

"Judging by your pithy and sarcastic response to my last letter ('Get off of my lawn, Antichrist'), you are under the delusion that you are some sort of Straight Talker and not a despicable mountebank who lost his way a long time ago. How interesting that you're now in league with people who once humiliated you and nearly broke your spirit eight years ago with dark rumors and slanders in the South Carolina primary. You've forgiven them because you want to be president more than you want to retain any semblance of dignity. That's a quality the Real Antichrist 666 can respect in an ambitious politician. You'll all bend a knee to me when the time comes.

"Now that I know that Schmidt smuggled the plans for 'The One' campaign from under our noses here at Antichrist Central Command, we shall enact stricter inventory controls to curtail future thefts of ideas. For the record, the commercial your campaign has created makes me want to vomit, though I can see why its crude humor appeals to America's jaded political class. The masses are way too dumb to 'get' that you're mocking them as well.

"Still, I'm dying to know: How do you expect to get the majority of Americans to vote against the Antichrist if they believe that Obama is 'The One' and that his election will usher in Christ's Second Coming? Isn't it in their religious interest to vote for Barack in much the same way that they uncritically support Israel -- to force a confrontation with Arabs and spark Armageddon and Christ's return?

"Am I talking over your head, Sir?

"Sincerely,

"The Little Horn and the Prince Who Shall Come"

"Dear John:

"How I love a cynic. Your response indicates you don't believe any of this business and that this is all about playing the Antichrist Card for the credulous. If it didn't involve slandering me, I could almost respect it.

"One day soon, we'll both look back on this gambit of yours and laugh. I suspect I shall laugh louder, though."

"Cheers,

"AC"