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Homemaking: I have some bad news ...
Saturday, July 05, 2008

For the past 25 years, I've greeted each day this way: My eyes still closed, I reach for the remote and click on my favorite morning news program, the "Today" show. I slowly come to life, first just listening, then sitting up, rubbing my eyes, and finally, after a few minutes, getting out of bed.

This summer, however, it's been such a steady, depressing drumbeat of bad news that I've felt like turning off the set, pulling my covers over my head and squeezing my eyes shut until it's all over.

Let's do a quick run-through of the stories in just the past couple of weeks: We've had major flooding in the heartland, which will make food prices go through the roof this summer. Your cob of corn at the picnic is going to cost more than a fine Bordeaux. Food prices are going up further because most of the bees in this country, which are needed to pollinate crops, simply wandered off over the past year. (If you find them, please call the authorities right away.) And over the next few weeks, almost everything on the grocery shelves is going to go up in price, even if it didn't grow in the heartland or depend on bees, because it costs so much in gasoline to move it around.

Dollar stores are starting to rethink their whole concept, as pretty soon the only thing that'll be worth a dollar is an actual dollar. The one food that doesn't seem to be going up in price is tomatoes, but that's mostly because eating one is like playing Russian roulette.

Gas prices are rising slowly but steadily, meaning that you can't go anywhere this summer. Filling up the tank would require a home equity loan, which you can't get because you no longer have any equity in your home. Many experts are advising parents to consider "staycations" in which the family stays put rather than going to the beach or the mountains. This week, an expert advised taking your kids to the library, where, for free, they can "read" their way around the world, taking an adventure if only in their minds. If you can sell that one to your kids, either you're a pretty persuasive salesperson or your kids are pretty stupid.

Most mornings, the news is chock-full of tips and ideas on how to pinch pennies. Make coffee at home instead of going to Starbucks. Don't eat at restaurants. Buy cheaper cuts of meat. These tips will come in really handy for barristas, waiters and butchers, who will all soon be out of their jobs if we keep cutting back.

The other day, while listening to the news, I swear I heard Matt Lauer say: "Hey, you, under the covers! You're going to lose your job and your house, and there's nothing you can do about it!"

When I was a kid, my father used to tell me a tall tale about the centipede, skimming along with a hundred legs all going like crazy. He was stopped by a toad, who asked how the centipede could work all those legs at once without getting tripped up. The centipede looked down, thought about it for a moment, and said, "Gee, I never thought about that! That's pretty complicated!"

The centipede took one step, tripped over himself, and from that day forward, never walked again.

If this constant negative drumbeat continues, by August we'll all be huddled in our back yards, over an open fire, cooking chicken hot dogs on sticks. We'll sleep outside because the house gets hot when you can't afford electricity to run fans. If the kids get bored, we can tell them about the great "staycation" we're planning at the local library.

Sure, there are bad things happening. But maybe we're all a bunch of centipedes, looking down at our feet, wondering how we're ever going to walk again. Maybe what we need to do is turn off the news, get up and get walking like we used to.

Whatever you do, just don't look down.

Homemaking is a column about the people, projects and pride that make a house a home. Peter McKay, a Ben Avon resident, is a nationally syndicated columnist with Creators Syndicate. To see more of his columns, go to www.post-gazette.com/homes.
First published on July 5, 2008 at 12:00 am