The Fourth of July is absolutely the greatest, most fantabulous, colossally spectacular holiday of the year. It's a shining beacon of annual superbness.

Why does it trump every other national and secular holiday? Well, for starters, you won't have to worry about offending anyone by wishing them a happy Fourth of July. And it's the most stress-free holiday out there. No need for a date, dress clothes, costume, fancy feast or frantic gift shopping. Throw in cookouts, fireworks, a day off work, and -- ta-da! -- behold the most stellar holiday of the year.

In 1776, John Adams, in a letter to his wife, Abigail, wrote: "It ought to be solemnized with Pomp and Parade, with Shews, Games, Sports, Guns, Bells, Bonfires and Illuminations from one End of this Continent to the other from this Time forward forever more."

Now, 232 years later, the second president of the United States wouldn't be disappointed. This year's Fourth of July weekend is rife with shows, sports, pomp and fireworks to enjoy the holiday to its fullest potential. Here's a rundown of this weekend's activities.

ROAR ON THE SHORE

First up, the Pittsburgh Three Rivers Regatta: Roar on the Shore. The North Shore, that is.

Yep, it's back. The Regatta. Proof that the water in our rivers won't kill you ... at least not immediately. This year's regatta is primed to be a memorable one. Speedboat lovers, this one's for you.

It's not just any speedboat racing -- it's the Grand Prix of speedboat racing. The F-1 Champboat Series features boats that look like mini spaceships and show off their 400 horsepower engines by zipping along at 140 mph. Sailboaters and kayakers beware -- your delicate finesse and strength are not welcome here.

Catch 'em in action during practice rounds today from 5:30 to 7 p.m. or Friday between 2:15 and 3 p.m. Finals run from 6 to 7:30 p.m. Friday. Or admire them up close from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. Friday.

If F-1 speedboats are the great white sharks of the boating world, jet skis are the dolphins, albeit noisier and not so endearing. Stunts, flips and gravity-defying feats of acrobatic audacity can be wowed at during "Red, White and Zoom." The show includes jet skis, water skis and wakeboards. It will run throughout the afternoon today and Friday.

To continue in the boat/marine life metaphor vein, dangerously lame though it may be, next up are the Flying Scot sailboats. They're like ... marlins. The Point of Pittsburgh Sailing League will race from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. Friday.

Turf events rival the river action with BMX stunt shows, featuring national BMX champion Mike Steidley, strolling performers along the promenade, a climbing wall and a U.S. Air Force flyover at 7 p.m. today. Soul Asylum will perform at the south plaza stage at 8 p.m. Friday.

And because no Fourth of July is complete without that wonderful 12th-century Chinese invention, "Flashes of Freedom" will be held at 9:30 p.m. Friday. The Zambelli fireworks display will be combined with a Lightwave International laser show (not a 12th-century Chinese invention, just for the record), all set to music. It's gonna be groovy. Those blessed with boats are welcome to start vying for spots beginning at 8:15 p.m.

For a complete list of events and a schedule, visit www.threeriversregatta.net.

BIG FAIR IN BUTLER

The Big Butler Fair isn't just an opportunity to see cars crash into each other or view dairy showmanship contests. It's a slice of American history.

The 153rd annual fair has been going strong all week (sorry, you already missed big rig day and the popular school bus demolition derby), but there are still plenty of events to enjoy.

There are 4x4 truck pulls, put on by Full Pull Productions at 7 tonight. But don't miss the judging of dairy showmanship at 7:30 p.m. What would dairy showmanship comprise? Who can churn out the squarest pat of butter? Squirt the farthest stream of milk? I'd tell you what it is, but that would just ruin it. Better to satisfy your curiosity in person.

Friday is a mix of horses and horsepower. A horse show, horse pulls and championship double figure-eight car races mark the day. A fireworks display will top everything off.

Visit www.bigbutlerfair.com for a complete schedule of events.

POLKA-PALOOZA

So maybe water sports, life-sized bumper cars and dairy cows aren't your thing. Your taste runs along classier lines. You're sophisticated, worldly. You crinkle your nose at the suggestion of such plebeian spectacles. You'd prefer to spend your weekend ... doing the polka.

Hey, this is Western Pennsylvania -- there's nothing to hold your polka-self back.

The Polka Fireworks festival at Seven Springs Mountain Resort is an annual explosion of everything polka. It's all here: polka jam sessions, polka music lessons, polka dance lessons, polka dance contests, polka bands from all over the country.

Friday's festivities include free polka dance lessons from 1:30-2:30 p.m. and a school of polka workshop for trumpets and clarinets from 2-3 p.m. Poolside parties begin at 10 a.m. Polka bands will be playing at the convention hall starting at 3 p.m. and Joe "Zip" Lubovinsky hall starting at 5 p.m. These bands mean business, and the music continues until 1 a.m. Get your practicing in, because it's game time on Saturday when the Pennsylvania State Polka Contest kicks off. A Catholic Mass wraps everything up Sunday morning at 9 a.m.

Tickets cost $17 for adults, $10 for those 13-19.

Visit www.polkafireworks.com or call 1-708-594-5182 for details.

So sally forth, dear fellow citizens and heed the words of John Adams. Celebrate the weekend with all the pomp, grandeur and gloriously loud fireworks the Fourth of July deserves.