As partial accompaniment to my first question -- why? -- herewith a mere sampling of the approximately 400,000 additional queries I have about instant replay apparently coming to Major League Baseball.

Who determines whether the legitimacy of a home run is in dispute, the nearest outfielder, the nearest umpire, the nearest vendor, the nearer manager, the batter, the pitcher, the guys and/or gals in the so-called war room, or Judge Judy?

Who is/are the person/persons in the war room, these video analysts who shall correct the course of human events?

Can they stay up late, I mean seriously, even for Padres-Giants when it's evident that even the Padres and Giants have a hard time staying awake during Padres-Giants?

Do any of the people in the war room wear corrective lenses?

Are any of the people in the war room suffering from frequent urination, restless leg syndrome, night sweats, attention deficit disorder or difficulty swallowing?

Doesn't baseball owe Steve Bartman a position somewhere in the replay division?

Since the argument in question and all of its acrimonious theatrics are taking place at the stadium while the judicious replay interpretation is going to emanate from the war room in New York, shouldn't the war room be called the peace room?

Why should the war room be in New York, because it's the city that never sleeps? Wait until they see Padres-Giants. What if Pirates-Nats is the first assignment? They won't even make it to Padres-Giants.

Why does the war room correspondent, according to the reported replay models, merely tell the umpiring crew chief what's on the replay, but not how to rule the play, leaving that up to the crew chief, who doesn't see the replay?

Have I mentioned that we're talking about Major League Baseball?

Why am I imagining conversations like this:

"Hello, New York?"

"Who wants to know?"

"Is this New York?"

"No, it's a freakin' Dairy Queen on the Moon, whad'ya want?"

"This is Tom Hallion, crew chief in Pittsburgh. Did that ball go over the fence?"

"What ball?"

"The ball Paul Maholm just hit."

"No."

"No? Are you watching it?"

"Look Chief, I don't need HDTV to know that Paul Maholm did not just hit a ball over the fence, OK? If he'd thrown the pitch, then yes unequivocally."

"C'mon seriously. Left-field wall, Pittsburgh."

"Ah jeez, OK. Let me put his, uh, controller down. All right, there's Chicago, St. Louis, Green Monster, Hotel Erotica, Pittsburgh. What wall?"

"Left field."

"Wait . . . holy Rizzuto, yeah, home run, Paul Maholm, first of his career I believe. And last."

"Really, over the wall?"

"That's what I'm seein' Chief."

"So it's a home run then?"

"That's up to you."

"But I didn't see it."

"Exactly."

"But, look, that doesn't make sense."

"Tell me about it. Thanks for calling Major League Baseball, where the results of the All-Star Game determine where the World Series starts. Would you care to answer a four-question survey on your customer-service experience today?"

If a disputed home run comes in the ninth inning of a game the batter's team is trailing, 13-0, doesn't replay then exist solely to determine the standings of the fantasy leagues?

Since a home run to left field in Boston would not be a home run to left field in Cincinnati, and since a home run down the right-field line in Yankee Stadium would not be a home run down the right-field line in Pittsburgh, and since a home run to dead center in Philadelphia would not be a home run to dead center in Detroit, and since these inconsistencies have been a revered part of the game for more than a century, isn't it interesting that the one area in which the game is apparently willing to embrace replay is to ensure the veracity of something it never cared to actually quantify?

If Major League Baseball is so concerned about the accuracy of its so-called boundary calls (the strike zone has boundaries, too, but it never has been a real stickler on those), why doesn't it just do as it does in the postseason and put two additional umpires on the outfield foul lines?

Shouldn't the umpires union, if it has any political savvy left, be clamoring for those 30 additional jobs in an era when baseball can easily afford to erect a virtual picket fence of arbiters along the perimeters of every ballpark and most of the border between Arizona and Mexico?

Why would a doctor south of that border prescribe "anti-inflammatory drugs" to Humberto Cota after shoulder surgery, causing Cota to be suspended for 50 games for violating MLB's substance-abuse policy, and is there any form of replay technology that can prevent that sort of thing?

Why did Cota, who hit. .233 with 12 homers in parts of seven virtually replay-free seasons with the Pirates, explain in a subsequent written statement that, "I did not use any banned substances in order to improve my performance"?

Wouldn't that be fairly self-evident?

Or do I have to call New York?