Q: My second husband died only three years after we married. He was 68. I am 57. I inherited his IRA, and I have to make withdrawals to support myself. The financial adviser tells me to create a new IRA in my name, but our CPA says that I should keep my husband's IRA intact.

A: According to the Internal Revenue Service, as a surviving spouse who has inherited an IRA, you have two choices: (1) Keep your deceased husband's IRA account as is, or (2) "roll it over" into a new IRA in your name.

If you establish a new IRA and take withdrawals, in addition to paying income taxes, the withdrawals you take until you reach age 59¹/₂ will be subject to a 10 percent early withdrawal penalty -- unless you choose to take substantially equal withdrawals. In that way, you can escape the 10 percent penalty, but you will tie yourself into an irrevocable situation for five years. By leaving the old account in place, as beneficiary, you will be able to take withdrawals without incurring the 10 percent penalty.

Because you're not yet age 59¹/₂ and need to take withdrawals, we believe that you should listen to your CPA and keep your late husband's account intact. However, because the rules governing distributions from IRAs are complex and because rules change, don't act without getting a written opinion from your expert.

Q: Our mother (age 83) and father (age 89) are both failing physically and mentally. Although I live closest to our parents and see them regularly, my two brothers -- who live in other states -- and I cannot agree on the best course of action. These conflicts are causing breaches in our family, and, in the meanwhile, our parents are suffering. We had one meeting with a lawyer, who lost control of the meeting and it turned out to be a disaster. Do you have suggestions?

A: In working with elderly people and their families on a plan for long-term care, it's important to understand that there are numerous unique concerns for the planner, some due to intrafamily dynamics. To be effective, the lawyer must identify, assess and address the issues as early as possible in the planning process, because all long-term-care planning is filled with conflicts.

These conflicts include whether to preserve assets for beneficiaries or use assets to fund long-term care, and whether the elderly person is comfortable with giving up control of assets and, if so, to whom, in what amounts and when. If the elderly person is not comfortable with giving up control of assets, alternate planning ideas should be discussed.

Another area of conflict is "quality of care vs. cost of care." Certainly, everyone wants the best care available; however, as with any commodity, the more you get, the more it costs. Should the elderly person stay at home? Does he or she need residential care? Can a nurse come into the house? Can a spouse or child take care of the elderly person? Does he or she need a nursing home?

The attorney, the elderly person and the family must face the question of the elder person's needs vs. his or her desires. Almost no one wants to be in a nursing home, but some people must. The perception of the elderly person's health and the ability of the family to care for him or her may be very different from the true facts.

The family must remember that providing the best care for the elderly person at the best price is the goal of the planning process. Squabbles within the family can be avoided if family members understand that someone needs to be in charge.

Fighting over who will handle this thankless job seems minuscule when compared to your parents' needs, which seem to have been forgotten.