DEAR CAT: I've been with my boyfriend for more than seven months. I'm very much in love, and it's the best relationship I've ever had. Now here comes the "but" ... he's unemployed and has been since last summer.

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Catherine Specter
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
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Pittsburgh, Pa. 15222

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He's not a lazy bum -- He is trying to find a job. But it has become a topic we don't talk about because when I mention job hunting it annoys him and puts him in a bad mood. Being jobless is a major source of stress for him, and he refuses to let me help him with money. I hate mentioning job searching, but at the same time I want to say something because sometimes I get the idea that maybe he's not trying as hard as he could. What should I do/say to get him more enthused about being employed? -- TO NAG OR NOT TO NAG?

DEAR NOT A NAG: If your beau isn't ambitious enough to find a job, there's nothing you can or should do about it. If he asks for help with certain tasks -- passing his resume to someone, proofreading cover letters, etc. -- go ahead and give it! But don't give him your money. He's managed to go this long without it, he's able-bodied and competent, and he hardly qualifies for your charity. Last summer was more than seven months ago, so he's been unemployed for your entire relationship. This clearly affects your respect for him, and his crankiness makes you walk on eggshells. Enough of that. Don't waste time trying to motivate him. Instead let him reassure you that everything will be fine.

Cat's Call: Avoid the topic like the plague, and let him work it out.

DEAR CAT: Recently my wife and I were going to buy a house. Six days before closing (and the last day to opt out of the deal if we did not like the Home Owners Association) my wife decides she does not like the H.O.A. because she wouldn't be allowed to put up an outdoor clothesline. I offered to build a clothesline in the garage, but that was unacceptable to her. Unable to convince her of the absurdity of her reasoning, I gave in. It took four days to arrange the cancellation. When her signature was the last thing required to cancel the deal, she said, "Well, now that you have listened to me, and I appreciate that, I will now buy the house." I ask you, is that not classic manipulation or what? -- I DON'T UNDERSTAND

DEAR DON'T: If a clothesline is a dealbreaker, there's a lot more going on under the surface. Assuming your story is accurate, your wife obviously felt ignored (or otherwise dismissed) by you, and the only way to get your attention was to nearly lose the whole deal. It's impossible to say whether the manipulation was intentional or spur of the moment, but it certainly was classic. On a different note, I have to know ...

Cat's Call: Did you get the house or not??