Something old, something new, something borrowed, something black and blue. Wedding bells don't usually signal the end of the round.

Unless you've been trapped under a landslide on Route 28 this week, you've heard the story about the North Hills bride and groom who spent their wedding night in a way that can most charitably be described as nontraditional.

According to the criminal complaint, the lovebirds got into an argument at their hotel, the groom kicked the bride to the floor, and when a couple of Samaritans who had been attending a different wedding tried to put the pair asunder, the newlyweds turned on them in a heartwarming display of reconciliation, unity and hand-to-hand combat.

The beatdown migrated into the elevator and down seven floors to the lobby, where two innocent potted plants were senselessly attacked and hurled into the elevator at the Samaritans, who must have been thinking that they should have stayed home and sent gifts.

Obviously, the plants weren't the only ones potted. Who officiated at this wedding, Jackie Chan?

Seen off by $1,000 in damage and four police departments, the blustering bride was whisked away to the pokey (without even changing into her going-away outfit), where the groom and his shiner and one shoe joined her after a trip to the hospital. They got separate cells; the jail's honeymoon suite must have been booked.

As for the Samaritans, one of them got some free work from the dentist groom. There was no word as of this writing as to the condition of the plants, but I'm sure they have hired a lawyer.

The bride has since claimed that the she and the groom were minding their own business when the two guests of the other wedding jumped them. Haven't you gotten all tanked up on champagne and Jordan almonds and cruised your hotel seeking a random bride and groom for an inter-wedding smackdown?

At least no one will say the day wasn't memorable. People will talk about it waaaaaay longer than a chocolate fountain or ice sculpture. Along with photographs, the album can preserve police reports, mug shots and newspaper clippings.

Maybe we need a Protection From Marriage Act.

Not marriage, per se, but weddings. What was once a church service celebrating a couple's optimism and commitment has become a grotesque Vegas extravaganza of opulent poor taste, stagecraft, showmanship, pyrotechnics and mayhem. With bird seed.

Little girls have always dreamed of their wedding day, the way little boys dream of fire engines and attack helicopters, but it seems unwise to try to combine them.

The modern American wedding is more complicated, costly and stressful than a moon landing, and maybe it's more than two lovers, a couple of sets of parents, a small army of attendants, caterers, florists, photographers, dove-wranglers, string quartets, carriage drivers and four police departments can handle.

My own parents' conjugal bliss started with my dad's passionate proposal -- "Well, I guess we might as well get married" -- and an unannounced weekend drive to romantic Easton, Pa., to round up a random minister and a couple of witnesses. I can't even swear that Mom had a fresh manicure.

More recently, I've been to a wedding where the weeping bride was forced to go on with the show (nuptials were stacked up at this cathedral like planes at JFK) even though a novice taxi driver had gone AWOL with her parents.

I've also seen a groom arrive at the altar so braced with booze that he couldn't get the vows out. He was Australian.

There is such a thing as wedding insurance, though it's not clear who pays in cases of wedding-on-wedding gang warfare.

The whole ordeal almost seems designed to drive a couple insane. For example, foods that ramp up stress include caffeine, chocolate and alcohol -- the foundation of the reception pyramid. Add sniping family, overwrought bridesmaids barely suppressing murderous dress-related rage and a videographer who thinks he's doing a colonoscopy. Scoring it all with "Sweet Caroline" all but ensures violence.

I think the key to the North Hills Armaweddon is in this comment from the couple's neighbor: "Roto-Rooter has been digging up their front lawn, which is all torn up. That would stress out anyone."

It's no surprise they took out their frustration on the plants.