When children forget a jacket or sweater on a cold day, parents could make a special trip to deliver one -- or they could let the kids feel cold so they'll remember to bring one next time.

This is what Wendy Mogel calls a "cheap mistake" -- one that can teach kids an important lesson without threatening their safety or well-being, but only if adults allow them to face the consequences instead of rushing to bail them out of every glitch.

Local parents can hear more from Dr. Mogel, a psychologist and parenting expert who wrote a 2001 book called "The Blessing of a Skinned Knee," when she appears tomorrow at Temple Emanuel of the South Hills.

A lot of her guidance is based on Jewish teachings and texts, but she also draws heavily on comedians George Carlin, Margaret Cho and -- she swears -- dog training books.

"The core of my message is that if we let the culture around us lead us, we will over-protect, over-indulge, over-schedule our children and treat them like handicapped royalty when they are really very capable beings," Dr. Mogel said in an phone interview from her Los Angeles office.

"Since our goal is raising them to leave us, we want to allow them to make mistakes while they're young and not bubble-wrap them. Parents should not be a cross between Sherpa, butler, concierge, talent agent and the secret police."

For example, she said, how will children experience the joy of real achievement if their folks bring a full bouquet of roses every time they play a tree in a school pageant? How will they learn to plan ahead in their test preparation if their parents sit on top of them instead of letting them receive a low grade?

This last point is key, she said, because too many parents panic when a child comes home with a C grade, instead of viewing it as another "cheap mistake." Adults may not realize that projecting their anxieties onto their children, coddling them on the one hand and pressuring them to be perfect on the other, is hell on a child's psyche.

"These kids feel their entire future is on the line every minute," Dr. Mogel said. "Some wind up feeling their parents' marriage and the whole future of the planet depend on their grades and SAT scores. They think they have to surpass their parents because that's the American tradition. It's daunting.

"They don't contribute to the family by milking cows anymore. Their currency is grades, athletic prowess and popularity. Even balanced, wholesome families are affected by this."

Dr. Mogel said that this unhealthy obsession with creating hermetically sealed super-achievers is a function of the anxious age we inhabit. Global warming, the Iraq War, an unstable economy, sex and violence in the media, and a coarsening of the culture overall have made parents very protective and neurotic about their child's future.

"We want things to be safe and guaranteed, but it's not in our hands," she said.

It's a problem across the economic spectrum, Dr. Mogel said. While children in poverty have a different set of problems, the culture is so homogeneous that perfection becomes a shared vision.

"Successful parents are used to getting what they want, and struggling parents want to give their children the best opportunity so they won't have to struggle as much. Kids don't want to let them down. But our kids are not going to live up to everything we dreamed about them, just as we haven't fulfilled all our parents' dreams for us.

"It's hard to get real when the culture around you is so narrow in its definition of success, but we have to try for the sake of our children."

Jane Adams, director of St. Paul's Episcopal Nursery School, said the school is co-sponsoring Dr. Mogel's visit in hopes of helping parents overcome their anxieties and let their kids be kids.

"The combination of over-protecting and pressuring is just dreadful," Ms. Adams said. "There are better ways to raise our children."

This quote from Dr. Mogel's book is one of the things that drew Ms. Adams to Dr. Mogel's message:

"I tell parents it's good for kids to be bored, unhappy, disappointed and confused, to feel deprived, to tolerate longing, and to be cold, wet or hungry for more than 1 1/2 seconds before they graduate from high school.

"It's good for them to have a crabby, unenlightened, uninspiring fifth grade teacher. Why? Because they are absolutely for sure going to have a crabby, unenlightened, uninspiring boss one day."