Q. My brother and his wife are going through a difficult divorce. Their son is 4 years old. He is acting out in school, showing signs of stress, increased defiant behavior and sleeping problems. I can't get them to see beyond themselves. Help!

A. You're right to be concerned. The behaviors you're seeing in your nephew are developmental issues that can result when young children face high-stress situations like a difficult divorce.

Preschoolers thrive on routine, comfort and the security of family. All of this has been taken from your nephew, and he's acting out.

It may be difficult for your brother and sister-in-law to hear, but they need to know that their conflict is causing emotional harm to their child.

Here are some things they can consider:

• Keep the child's routines as normal as possible. Major items like living arrangements will undoubtedly change, but this is the wrong time to introduce other changes -- for example, in his child care.

• Do not argue in front of the child, or even when he's anywhere in the house (kids hear more than we know) -- and never pull him into the conflict. No matter how angry you are, have the discipline to avoid saying negative things to the child about the other parent. At his age, he needs to think positively about both parents.

• Kids often blame themselves when their parents divorce. Work to make sure this child doesn't do that.

• Be certain he understands that both parents love him, and want to be part of his life. He needs to know that he and his parents will still be a family, even though living arrangements will change.

• Arrange special time for him with each parent. During those times, don't talk about the divorce unless he seems to want to. In that case, listen carefully and address his concerns with love and reassurance. Children need to know they can talk about their feelings to both parents.

• Consider family counseling -- not to try to save the marriage, but to learn how best to help the little boy get through this tough time.

• If the child is in good-quality child care, let the director and teacher know what's going on so they can support him through the divorce.

Divorce is a long-term issue for any child. If support isn't adequate, behavioral and academic issues can surface now and in the future, and the child's own relationships -- even in adulthood -- can be negatively affected. That's why divorcing parents need to see beyond their own pain, and remember to focus on their children.