It's not important. It's not important. It's a night like any other.

Huh. As if.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are probably the most stressful, high-pressure holidays for parents and heads of families. The housecleaning. The travel. The cooking of family favorites that have to be exactly the way everyone remembers them. The dangerous toys. The decorations. The Norman Rockwell expectations and Eugene O'Neill reality.

But now we're heading into the time that tries a single soul. On New Year's Eve, the expectations of all our married friends are focused on us. We represent everything footloose and spontaneous -- liberty and disposable cash and flirtation and no sitter-imposed curfew. The hopes of everyone who starts yawning at 10 or has to bustle off home at 12:01 or has to spend the evening at an alcohol-free kid-friendly face-painting and clowns party hang upon us like ropes and ropes of shiny beads.

And we will be questioned by our shareholders. Reports will have to be filed.

"Kevin and I were home by 10:30, and we put Josh and Madison to bed, and then we got into our jammies and made tea and watched the ball drop. I had to wake Kevin up for the big moment.

"So what did YOU do?"

Admitting you talked to your mom on the phone, ate half a box of Lucky Charms, put on your jammies and watched "When Harry Met Sally" with the neighbor's cat you are petsitting while he is in Cancun is not an option.

You'd be shirking your sacred duty. When you're single and kid-free, having a great time is your job.

Besides, you have your self-respect to consider. All year, you had to endure being set up, scolded, examined and coached. You had to listen to adorable-kid stories and anniversary-cruise adventures. This is your one annual chance to be a poster child for Single And Fabulous.

That sound you hear is not a champagne cork. It's the cocking of the sparkly gun being merrily held to your head.

Sure, the pressure is tremendous. It can be hard not to crack, especially if you haven't got dibs on a particular pair of lips (aside from your own, obviously) as the countdown begins. The diabolical thing about the midnight kiss tradition is that anticipating the awkwardness of that one moment can get in the way of your No. 1 mission: Eating as much as possible before the diet starts tomorrow.

No, wait -- that's your secondary mission. Your No. 1 mission is having a fabulous time. Too many unattached singles become fatally distracted by the kiss question and forget to party with full heartiness.

This is as unnecessary as it is tragic. We are talking about a few seconds here, a few seconds that became weighted with symbolism only because many cultures have a tradition that whatever you do in the first moments of a new year sets the tone for the rest of that year. Why anyone wants to spend the rest of the year gobbling up colds and flu from inebriated acquaintances is a mystery.

(Doesn't everyone you know have a cold this week? Who isn't coughing? Booze doesn't disinfect your mouth, you know. You'd be better off kissing the dog at midnight. And with enough champagne, you won't know the difference.)

The really smart thing to do is remove the source of anxiety. Worried about the kiss? You don't need no stinkin' kiss. You don't need to get caught under the mistletoe by some skeevy old bore with baked brie breath, and you don't need to wait for the 12:01:15 consolation smooch from your friends with dates.

One way to dodge the kiss moment is to excuse yourself for a brisk, head-clearing walk at about 11:40. Burst back into the party at 12:02 with a piece of startling news, such as that you have just seen Elvis.

Another way to take yourself out of the game is to use a red lip-liner pencil to draw a realistic cold sore on your mouth. Problem solved!

A variation on that is to have something physically in or over your mouth at midnight, such as an inhaler, toothpick or surgical mask. The surgical mask might require some explanation unless you are Michael Jackson.

Food poisoning is a good excuse to sit out the midnight festivities, but you'll need to plan ahead and time that right.

The important thing for singles without a significant other is to maintain perspective. A kiss does not define your year. It doesn't define your attractiveness or worth.

That's what Valentine's Day is for.