Oh, the weather outside is frightful, soon it will be Christmas Day, and Morris Chestnut should be roasted over an open fire for a fusty romantic comedy called "The Perfect Holiday."

Director-writer Lance Rivera ("The Cookout") filches bits and pieces of every previous Yuletide rom-com ever made, starting with the hoary gimmick of supernatural succor: Queen Latifah, a kind of angel-narrator named Mrs. Christmas, is pitted against devil's advocate Terrence Howard as Bah-Humbug.

They're concerned with Benjamin (Chestnut), a struggling songwriter working as an outlet-mall Santa Claus, and Nancy (Gabrielle Union), a divorcee-mom of three in a nasty custody battle with her ex. All she wants for Christmas is not two front teeth -- she's got dozens of perfect pearlies -- just a nice new guy.

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'The Perfect Holiday'

• Starring: Morris Chestnut, Gabrielle Union, Queen Latifah, Terrence Howard
• Rating: PG for brief language and some suggestive humor.
• Web site:theperfectholidaymovie.com/

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Her daughter Emily (Khail Bryant) relays this wish to Santa Chestnut, who fulfills it -- with himself. Her attitudinal son John-John (Malik Hammond) tries to sabotage the affair. He misses his dad J-Jizzy (Charles Q. Murphy), an egomaniacal rap star-producer who unwittingly hires Benjamin to help record his new Christmas album, featuring such sentimental tunes as "I Love the Ho Ho Ho's" (sure to be a Don Imus favorite).

Girlfriends Jill Marie Jones and Rachel True cheer Nancy on. Benjamin's support comes from his enormous elf pal Jamal (Faizon Love), who looks like Shrek and supplies fat-is-funny comedy, pretending to be a bounty hunter.

This is Chestnut's third re-Union with Gabrielle. (They did "The Brothers," "Two Can Play That Game" and "Breakin' All the Rules" together.) He, like she, has teeth for miles. There is dentistry if not chemistry between them. But for the most part, they do more modeling than acting.

Cloyingly cute Bryant ranks among the worst child actresses in captivity. Hostile Hammond is better. Murphy (of "Norbit" fame or infamy) is way over the top. Occasional bursts into sappy song underline the absence of a believable moment in this flick, epitomized by the family (real-estate) values found in its fabulous settings. These Boyz and Girlz inhabit a very expensive 'Hood.

Trying hard not to be Scrooge or condescending (when I'm both), I should say that little kids at the preview seemed to be having a good time. But if Queenie (one of the film's producers) is your main magnet to it, prepare for a letdown. She and Howard pop in and out only briefly and perfunctorily for the focus on hocus-pocus.

Overall, this terminally bland exercise -- shot "on location" in (endlessly fascinating) suburban New Jersey -- is not so much heart-warming as microwaved.