Q. My 4-year-old daughter insists on wearing her hair long because all her friends do. But she screams when I have to brush out the tangles and it's awful for both of us. Anyway, I think shorter hair looks much better on little girls and it's easier to keep clean. Help!

A. Maybe one day you can convince your daughter that shorter hair would be great for her -- but meanwhile, if she's passionate about her long hair, insisting on a cut isn't the answer.

At this age, she's starting to develop a sense of self, and going along with her harmless preferences (like hair length) will help reinforce that. Also at this age, kids want to be like their peers. Cutting her hair against her wishes may make her feel "different" at school. Ultimately, it could cause problems between her and you.

There are a couple of simple things to help tame the tangles and halt the hair wars.

Make it clear to your daughter that, if she's to have long hair, she has some responsibility for taking care of it. Put her in charge of one or more steps -- starting the shampoo process or the rinsing. Teach her how to towel-dry her hair by blotting and rubbing gently, not vigorously because that can produce tangles.

Stock up on a good conditioner (either rinse-out or leave-in) to use after washing, and a de-tangler to spray on immediately after towel-drying and before combing or brushing.

Show your daughter how to comb or brush the front and sides of her hair right after the de-tangler is on, while the hair is still damp. (You'll have to do the back for a while because she won't yet be able to do a good job with that area.) Many people recommend using a wide-tooth comb instead of a brush.

In between shampoos, wearing the hair up in a bun or in ponytails or braids can help prevent tangles. So can frequent brushing. We know some parents who brush their daughters' hair each evening during storytime -- the story provides a distraction, the brushing is rhythmic and soothing, and it's a great time to bond.