Maintaining your car is one of those tedious responsibilities of adulthood that sucks all the fun out of the cool perks of adulthood like leaving dishes in the sink and dating people you know are bad for you.

I recently sank an obscene amount of money into my car, and it got me thinking that if I wanted to spend that kind of money on a dependent at this time of year, I would give birth to a college student. Still, cars need tires and brakes the way kids need shoes and books, and at least my car won't expect to move into my basement after it gets done at the dealership.

The alternative to maintaining your car is becoming one of those unfortunate guys on the side of the road, rooting around under the hood of a beater in a cloud of steam while traffic whizzes by or making the kids help push the car up an exit ramp in the rain. At best. At worst, you jump behind the wheel a half-step ahead of the werewolves or tsunami or ex-spouse, turn the key and hear a painful grinding, at which you frantically yell, "Come on, come on, oh for the love of God, START, DAMN YOU!! AAAAAAUUUGH!"

Or you can just get your oil changed regularly.

In autumn, we turn our attention to "winterizing" our trusty, rusty metal friends, the same way we winterize our wardrobes (switching from floral to leather flipflops) and our homes (putting festive plastic over the windows and bricking up the skylights so we might make it to mid-January before having to sell our spinal fluid for medical research). As a public service, I offer these automotive safety tips for keeping you and your car safe in cold weather.

1. Check your tires! Worn tires without enough tread are dangerous and should be replaced, whitewashed and used as garden planters. To tell whether your tires are too worn, insert a penny upside down into the grooves. If you can see the crown on Lincoln's head, you are holding a Canadian penny.

If you live in a hilly area that gets a lot of snow -- in Pittsburgh, that means anyplace not at the bottom of a river -- it might be wise to invest in a set of snow tires, at least for the drive wheels. This is an especially good idea for rear-wheel-drive cars, because there is often not enough weight in the back to ensure good traction. A body in the trunk could also solve this problem; double-bag it and hope there's no January thaw.

Also, like so many things, tires are no fun unless they're properly inflated.

2. Replace your wipers. But not yet! Wait till the end of the winter. Or, if you have a dealer like mine, they've been replaced four times while you were reading this. The cashier has your bill.

3. Carry an extra bottle of washer fluid. You can go through several in one slushy November afternoon, and if you get stopped you'll definitely fail the Breathalyzer.

4. Think about changing your antifreeze. Like so many things, antifreeze does lose its potency over time. Draining it is a messy job, so you may want to just think about it rather than doing it.

5. Check your battery. Is it still there?

Batteries can lose their charge without warning. Don't beat yourself up. Maybe the battery is just not that into you. If you want to stand in a cold garage and fuss with a hydrometer and a toothbrush and baking soda, hey, knock yourself out, but when it's dead, it's dead. Move on. If you can get a jump.

6. Check your belts and hoses. Like so many things, they shrink and get brittle in cold, dry air. Automotive incontinence ensues. So inspect your belts for cracks and your hoses for runs. And if you need a couple of belts, don't drive.

7. Don't drive like a moron in the snow. For example, four-wheel drive helps you go, but it doesn't help you stop. Don't run up everyone's bumper in a blizzard just because you think your Urban Assault Vehicle is invincible. You may not get hurt in the resulting accident, but I guarantee that the parts of me that your body shop can't get out of your grille will really stink when summer comes.

Also, don't park on ice. You're better off parking on an active volcano.

8. Pack an emergency kit. Get together a flashlight, batteries, jumper cables, ice scraper, flares, kitty litter, blankets, rubber gloves, snakebite kit, eye cup, tweezers, comic books, condoms, water, gin, can opener, corkscrew, moist towelettes and clean underwear. Put them in a really big bag or box, then forget it by the door on your way out.

None of those things will stop werewolves anyway.