Q: My husband and I will let you settle this disagreement. When brothers age 4 and 5 fight, should parents step in or let them work it out?

A: We think parents shouldn't jump in to end the disagreement unless there's danger of physical harm. In that case, please get right in there. Kids shouldn't hit each other, period.

In all cases, we believe parents should help siblings learn how to settle disagreements themselves. Like everyone else, your boys will encounter conflict all their lives, and this is a great time for them to begin to learn to deal with it effectively and appropriately. That's why, at our centers, we highlight conflict resolution during "teachable moments."

When your sons are disagreeing, ask them questions such as "Why are you mad?" and "What are you feeling?" to help them reflect on what's happening.

Ask both of them for suggestions about how the conflict can be ended appropriately. This is a way to help them learn to problem-solve and come to a peaceful resolution. For instance, you might say, "Johnny says he feels mad because you took his truck. What can you do to help him not feel mad?"

It takes practice to learn the skills to resolve conflict. You'll need to gently step in and coach many times. Additionally, letting the boys see you model these skills in your own life -- for example, when you're in a disagreement with your husband or another family member -- can further help them learn.

Your efforts will be well worth it, since conflict resolution is a skill your children will use often -- in their personal lives, in school and eventually at work.