Dear Beechwood Boulevard:

I am sorry, I am so sorry, for being young and naive enough to think that no one would have a problem with a few hippies outside on a patio at 10 p.m. playing guitars and bongos, at half volume.

I'm sorry that it was a Friday night, and that I'm 25, and that a few friends and I felt like making some noise. The good kind of noise, free music to our ears. Before the 11 p.m. noise ordinance.

I'm sorry that I called the cops before you did, to ask them: What is the law for my neighborhood and noise ordinances? I'm sorry that they told me that as long as I wasn't selling tickets to the performance, and so long as nothing was blasting at top volume, I was in my legal rights to make some happy noise on my patio.

I'm sorry that you all didn't feel the same way about it. I'm sorry that you came over in your bathrobe just to condescendingly scream up at me that "doctors and lawyers" live in this neighborhood, and that they have to wake up early.

Well, ma'am, so do mill workers and stage hands. So do garbagemen and teachers. We all get up early. But it was Friday night in my backyard with acoustic instrumentation and anything electrical turned up to half volume.

I'm sorry that a half block away is a baseball diamond at Frick Park. Cheering fans and blaring loudspeakers can be heard just as late as I was playing ...

I'm sorry that you live in an urban environment -- and can't handle a little urban noise.

I'm sorry that I thought maybe some happy folk music, mixed with a baseline, wouldn't keep you awake, in your air conditioned home, with the windows shut.

I'm sorry that from my bedroom which faced the music, I could barely hear the noise of the music, and couldn't at all if I was softly playing my own music, during my "sound level checks."

I'm sorry you don't know how to close a window at 10 p.m. on a Friday night and let some young people have a little legal fun before 11 p.m., as our public ordinance states.

I'm sorry that you felt the need to complain directly to my landlord, rather than your local public officials, about the bounds of the local noise ordinances -- from which it clearly states that I was within the bounds of legal activity.

I'm sorry that even though the cops showed up and I apologized to them and they told me that no, I wasn't breaking any law, but "it's the neighborhood."

I'm sorry I didn't realize what sort of neighborhood I was moving into.

I'm sorry that even though I didn't break any law, no noise complaint was registered against me, no charge, no ticket, nothing, I'm possibly being evicted via "non renewal of lease" in October.

Because on a Friday night in late July you couldn't handle some kids playing music on their patio.

If I had broken a law, it'd be one thing ...

But now I might get evicted anyways.

And I just wanted to thank you all for that.

And apologize for living in your uptight pretentious neighborhood. Even though I pay the high rent, too.

And I'd like to apologize to all the foreigners who visit both our country, and our city, who have to endure the oppressive silence of our culture:

"Do Not Disturb."

"Do Not Celebrate."

"Do Not Be Happy."

Thanks for being so American.

Sincerely,
Matt Khoury
Beechwood Boulevard
(for now)