John Heller, Post-Gazette

From left, Jason, Doug and Jodi Ruffing with their stepfather, Mike Olszewski, and their mother, Cheryl, at their home in Moon. Click photo for larger image. Listen In: Excerpts of comments from the Olszewski family on parenthood: Cheryl Olszewski on custody Michael Olszewski on being a stepfather Jodi Ruffing on why her father and stepfather are great Secrets to Step-Family Success: 1. Put your marriage first. It's the foundation of your stepfamily. 2. Support your children's need to have a relationship with their other biological parent. 3. Non-custodial parents: Remain a part of your children's lives. 4. Never badmouth your former partner to your children. 5. Relationships between stepparents and stepchildren take time to blossom. 6. Celebrations and holidays call for flexibility and creativity. 7. Discuss and clarify all money issues early -- preferably prior to remarriage. 8. Adults agree on how to run the household and establish a "united front." 9. Build strong, clear communication with respect and civility. 10. Face all feelings fearlessly. Talk about them and you'll grow closer. Source: Elizabeth Einstein, author of "Strengthening You Stepfamily." For more information on stepfamilies visit www.stepfamilyliving.com and www.stepfamilies.info.

For Father's Day, Doug, Jason and Jodi Ruffing are promising to take dad to a Pirates game. They're also giving him a new fishing rod and lures.

If that sounds like a lot for one man, well, it is. The ballgame is for their father, Richard Ruffing, while the gear is for their stepfather, Michael Olszewski.

An amicable divorce four years ago and the love both men have for the children have created a world that in many ways is more typical than atypical. Research shows that traditional families -- a husband and wife living together with their biological child or children -- aren't the majority anymore.

Blended families such as the Ruffings/Olszewskis began to outnumber traditional families in 2002 or 2003, says Elizabeth Einstein, author of "Strengthening Your Stepfamily" and a licensed marriage and family therapist for more than 25 years.

While such arrangements can lead to tensions, it's working so far for the Ruffing children. They live with their mother, Cheryl Olszewski, 38, of Moon, and their stepfather, whom she married last year, but regularly spend time with their father.

Mr. Ruffing takes them out to eat, to play games at Dave & Buster's and on weekend camping trips. He attends their extracurricular activities, such as soccer games and wrestling matches, and lets them visit their cousins.

Jodi, 7, loves the way her dad calls her "Honey Bunny, Bunny Honey." Jason, 9, likes sleeping next to his dad on overnight visits. Doug, 12, just loves that his dad visits him often and takes him places.

On his end, Mr. Olszewski gets his stepchildren off to school each day, making their lunches and walking them to the bus stop. He is teaching them golf and takes them fishing.

Jodi likes how her stepfather carries her and her brother, Jason, on his back up to bed each night. Jason likes that his step-dad coaches his youth wrestling and baseball teams. Doug appreciates that his stepfather helps him with his homework and takes him to practices.

"Instead of having two people to raise kids, you have three people to raise kids," said Mr. Olszewski, 43.

Stress is inevitable
There isn't any perfect stepfamily and all stepfamilies go through a process of adjustment, said Ms. Einstein, a national stepfamily expert based in Ithaca, N.Y. Research shows that it takes four to seven years for stepfamilies to become stable, and it's natural for them to cycle through good times and crises.

"On a day like Father's Day, biological fathers have to be accepting of the children's need to honor their stepfather," Ms. Einstein said.

Mr. Olszewski agrees that there's "absolutely an adjustment period" for stepfamilies. There are different personalities and ideas about discipline, for example.

"I don't want to paint it all blue sky. ... It's not two people collaborating, it's three," he said.

"The good thing is Rick and I get along," Mr. Olszewski added. "I'm not sure we'll ever be best friends, but we're certainly not adversarial."

The three adults also present a united front to the children, working to do what's in their best interests.

When Cheryl and Michael Olszewski went on a belated honeymoon in January, Mr. Ruffing stayed at their home and looked after the children, getting them to and from school. When they went out to Christmas dinner, he hung out with the children, watching a movie with them until it was time to take Jason to a wrestling match weigh-in. "There's a lot of ex-husbands and fathers who, if you don't have the kids that weekend, don't help out at all," Mrs. Olszewski says. "My ex-husband helps out a lot."

Mr. Ruffing loves his children and enjoys spending as much time with them as possible.

"We get along because we both choose to do so. I love my children and make my decisions based upon what I feel is best for them," said Mr. Ruffing, who was out of town but contacted via e-mail. "I do not look for nor do I want public acknowledgment for how we handle our situation, I just want to be a good dad."

Mrs. Olszewski and her husband's Christian faith has guided them in making their blended family work, she said.

She and the children's father divorced in 2003. She and Mr. Olszewski became seriously involved in March 2005, after having dated off and on a bit before that. She and the children moved in with him in August 2005, and they married in August 2006.

"This was a huge undertaking for Michael. He was a single man in his 40s and he was willing to accept three children that were not biologically his," said Mrs. Olszewski, who is pregnant with their first child together. It has been a huge lifestyle shift.

"I wanted kids. I didn't have any from my first marriage and God, I'm blessed with a biological one coming now. I'm doing stuff that I never thought I would at this point. I'm coaching wrestling and ... it's cool," he says. "It's been a big change, but it's a good change."

While the Olszewskis are a blended family, they're still very much a family, with both dads working together to be involved in the children's lives.

Before signing on as Jason's youth wrestling coach, for example, Mr. Olszewski asked Mr. Ruffing whether he would mind. Mr. Ruffing didn't have any objection. "He brings Jason to wrestling matches," Mr. Olszewski says. "I coach. He watches. It's all around a good thing." When Mr. Ruffing stops by the house, he and Mr. Olszewski shake hands and sometimes chat about hockey, football, a wrestling match or a baseball game.

"I'm thankful that the children see this is the way a family should be," Mrs. Olszewski says. "It is still the way it should be, that the children see us respecting each other."