The scene: a darkened church basement, thick with cigarette smoke. A group of men and women shift in their folding chairs, clutching coffee cups. Legs shake nervously. A single throat clears ...

"Hi, I'm Munch, and I'm an addict."

"Hello Munch."

"I guess it all started early on for me ... Damaged goods as they say -- I never stood a chance. I mean, my parents were users -- they used to keep it in the freezer. How's a kid not supposed to be tempted to try it? A guy used to drive around our neighborhood and sell it out of his truck. He wore a white outfit, with suspenders and a hat, and the truck even played music -- like this was a good thing. I just ... I can't ..."

"Go on Munch, it's OK."

"So it started. A cone here. A sundae there. Sneaking soft serve. It seemed all right. I mean, it felt good. And my friends all did it, too. After school. On dates. It was everywhere.

"Before I knew it, years passed, and I'm grown up and I'm planning my vacations around the stuff. The Penn State Creamery. Springer's in Stone Harbor. Ben & Jerry's in Burlington.

"It got bad when I was trying to score outside of Dave & Andy's. I couldn't drive by a convenience store without pulling in for a pint of Chubby Hubby. I was up to two a day. My Steeler tailgates were even in the Reinhold's lot. Once I woke up behind the Dumpster of a Bruster's. Didn't know how long I'd been there.

"But I knew I hit rock bottom when I took my little brother -- LBOM -- and introduced him to the smack at Mercurio's Mulberry Creamery -- a gelateria in Shadyside.

"I got turned on to the hard stuff in Italy. I went to Florence and skipped the Duomo in favor of Vivo, the famous Gelataria. Ditto in Rome -- no Janiculum, just Giolitti. Fresher, denser, creamier. I was hooked. I was jonesing pretty bad for the stuff when I got home and I found Mercurio's in Shadyside.

"They had all the traditional Italian flavors like Stracciatella (chocolate chip), Pistacchio, Tiramisu, Fior de Latte (cream), Gianduia (hazelnut) plus exotics like Blueberry Cheesecake, Nutella, Apple Pie and Dulce de Leche (caramel). More than 30 in all.

"The cycle of addiction continued as LBOM got comfortably numb with scoops of Cookies & Cream and Chocolate ($2.99), while I got my fix of Stracciatella and Apple Pie ($3.49). Fresh and delicious as a corner gelateria on the Via Veneto. But it's never enough -- I had to take home hand-packed pints of the stuff ($5.49 each). One each of the Nutella, Fior de Latte and Blueberry Cheesecake. That should be enough to get me through the week but ... I ... I just can't stop! ... I ..."

"Munch! Get a hold of yourself! That was really moving Munch, but ..."

"But what?"

"This is Lotto Scratch Off Players Anonymous. Ice Cream Eaters Anonymous meets here on Tuesdays."

"Uh ... well then ... who's up for some gelato?"

Mercurio's Mulberry Creamery is at 733 Copeland St., Shadyside. Call 412-621-6220 or log on to mulberrystreetcreamery.com for more information.