Annie O'Neill,Post-Gazette Drs. Karen and Bob Boretsky visited 20 schools in the search a college for their oldest daughter Melanie (back left). She chose Penn State. They visited 10 schools for Katie, back right, who decided on the College of William and Mary. Sara, left center, and Tina, who was not present, have not yet taken their college tours. Also pictured is Caroline Vogt, second from right, a German exchange student at the Ellis School.

By Sally Kalson
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

It's a rite of passage unlike any other: parents and teens in close quarters for long hours on the road; the trek from one unfamiliar place to the next in search of the brass ring; the sense that this could be the last best chance for quality time together before everything changes.

It's the college tour of 2007, and the summer edition is about to begin.

For many adults, the road trip is one part of a college search process that has as much in common with their own as Google does with a print encyclopedia. Some information may be the same, but the breadth and scope are from another era.

Bob Donaldson, Post-Gazette A student takes a stroll at Grove City College. Click photo for larger image. Related article Tips for a successful college road trip Listen In: Hear Karen Boretsky and her children talking about the family dynamics of a college road trip: Karen Boretsky talks about the way she judged colleges versus the way her children judged them Daughters Melanie (speaking first) and Katie offer parents a tip about college tours

"My dad got his compass out and drew a circle around Pittsburgh. He said, 'You can go to any school within two hours' drive.' "

That's physician Karen Boretsky, mother of four daughters. Added her husband, Dr. Bob Boretsky: "Most students our age had just a few choices. I think we visited two or three schools that happened to lie on the course of a family vacation. I don't remember a huge mental effort on anyone's part."

Yet when it came time to find a college for the couple's oldest child, Melanie, the family visited 20 small liberal arts schools in three road trips, from North Carolina to Maine. Most were indistinguishable, they said. Melanie wound up choosing a school she applied to without visiting -- Penn State, the polar opposite of the campuses they'd toured, in the honors college.

"I don't know how we evolved to this, over-analyzing everything," said Karen Boretsky. But the Squirrel Hill family learned from that first go-round and has dialed back the search with each successive child.

The second daughter, Katie, looked at 10 schools of varying sizes and types; she'll be a freshman at the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg, Va., in the fall. The third, Tina, who is finishing her junior year at the Ellis School, will probably visit six, said her dad.

Of course, not everyone visits multiple schools. Some students have only a few choices in mind, many parents set limits on location and price, and some do their leg work online, putting off visits until the acceptance letters arrive.

But with today's eye-popping tuition, more parents want to see firsthand what their money would be buying -- especially those co-ed bathrooms they've been hearing about. And with tougher competition even at schools once considered second-tier, more students feel the need to cast a wider net.

Multiple visits are not limited to the affluent, said Susan Sykes, an educational consultant in Minneapolis.

"The students looking far and wide tend to be from well-off families," said Ms. Sykes, "but middle-class families are visiting more schools, too. They just tend to be more strategic about it," often staying closer to home.

Bonding, or not

College road trips are not only defined by the end goal. They also create a rare pocket of space for families to relate without the distractions of everyday life. All that time in the car can lead to conversations that wouldn't happen during commercial breaks of "Lost," not to mention inside jokes about crummy hotel rooms, speeding tickets and stuck-up tour guides.

"The anxieties, funny points, moments of revelation, it's all part of it," said Karen Boretsky.

Their trips had recurring themes, she said -- "who's responsible for directions, who's fault it is that we missed that turn. We had ongoing awards for most stealth admissions office, ugliest library, worst hosting experience."

Sally Rubenstone, senior counselor at collegeconfidential.com, said parents often view college visits as a chance to bond, which may or may not happen.

"A lot of factors -- timing, hormones, the weather -- can come into play," she said. "When parent and child are equally enthused about the same school it can certainly be a plus, but it doesn't guarantee that the entire junket will be rife with harmony or one for the memory books."

For adults, these pilgrimages can be bittersweet. Their children are on the brink of a new chapter that will include them to a much lesser degree.

"We realized that our role as parents is about to change," said Stacey Edelstein, who traveled to nine schools in New York, Delaware, Maryland and Ohio with her friend Phyllis Silverman and their daughters, seniors at Fox Chapel Area High School.

"We'd see the girls in the back seat asleep, looking very child-like, yet ready to embark on a very adult experience."

Said Ms. Silverman: "You ask yourself, have we raised them well enough?"

The daughters weren't ruminating about any of that.

"I was thinking about how the drive would be if I went there, what questions I'd be asking when we got there, what I'd seen when we left, and what if I don't get in?" said Errin Edelstein.

"I was really focused on the schools," added Natalie Silverman. "We had so much fun, but we didn't go with the intention of bonding or even expecting it. It just kind of happened."

In the end, Natalie chose the University of Pittsburgh and Errin chose Ohio State.

Harris Nydick, a father from North Caldwell, N.J., described the overall college admissions process as "surgery without the benefit of anesthetic." Yet he's enjoyed the road trips to 11 schools so far, with four more planned this fall.

"It's a real parent-child relationship-builder," he said. "In close quarters you can get in each other's hair, but that didn't happen much. For the first time she opened up on what she was thinking. It impressed me that she was that far along."

Liz Perkins of Squirrel Hill said the road trips with her son first, and then her daughter, were eye-opening.

"You see they are starting to think for themselves, making good observations. My son could tell immediately which school was better for him, and he was right. I realized being anxious wasn't helpful, and it was all going to turn out OK."

Her son attends Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, N.Y., and her daughter is headed to Tufts University in Medford, Mass., in the fall.

Family dynamics

Road trip veterans say the parent-child dynamic works best if adults understand some basic tenets.

Pressuring teens to pick a certain school will not make for a pleasant journey.

"These trips can get very frustrating, particularly for parents who have an agenda," said Joanna Schultz, director of college counseling at Ellis.

"Those willing to go with what their kids think have an easier time with it. Sometimes kids will say, 'I didn't like it.' Why not? 'I just didn't.' They can't give a reason. There's nothing to be gained by arguing that one."

"The most important thing parents can do is be the student's support," said Ms. Sykes, the Minneapolis consultant. "Do the logistical research, make the calls to set up the visits."

Teens tend not to ask many questions during information sessions and walking tours. That doesn't mean they want mom or dad jumping in with a lot of queries.

"The first thing I learned is to keep my mouth shut," said Mr. Nydick. "That was hard."

"We still laugh about the one mother who wanted to know if the sidewalks were heated," said Phyllis Silverman. "Her poor son looked like he wanted to sink into the floor."

"Parents ask so many questions, but they don't really get what the kids are looking for," said Melanie Boretsky. "It's more what they're looking for. My mom kept asking about the 'living-learning environment.' I don't even know what that is."

"It's OK for parents to ask about safety -- they should ask about that," said her sister Katie. "Anything else, forget it," especially drinking, drugs and sex. Those questions in a public forum won't bring a candid response anyway, she said, but are a sure-fire way to humiliate the offspring. If students want to know those things, they'll ask when the parents are elsewhere.

Obsessing over finding the one "ideal" school is probably counterproductive. Colleges of similar type, size and concentration tend to have many other things in common, so the choice often boils down to where the student feels most comfortable.

Steven Roy Goodman, a college admissions consultant in Washington, D.C., said teens may assess their comfort levels based on the neighborhood around the campus, the food, architecture, dorm rooms or style of dress.

"The way they see students dealing with one another, walking in groups or alone, is the library too quiet or too loud, all of these things figure in," he said.

"If you're looking at 10 colleges," said Ms. Schultz, "a gut reaction can be very important."

Cramming too many schools into a day is a mistake.

"Two is the most you should do, and it's better if they're really close together," said Melanie Boretsky. "After the first school you don't have time to reflect if you're rushing off to the next one. In think I tended to like the afternoon schools more; it was just more relaxed."

A teen's reaction to a school may hinge less on course offerings than on other, seemingly random determinates.

Weather is a big one. If it's raining, the consensus is, don't even bother getting out of the car. But parents also have their trip wires. When Bob Boretsky had to park 1 and 1/2 miles from an admissions office, that school was off the list.

Students have rejected schools because they don't like brick buildings, or the beautiful mountain view reminds them of a summer camp where they had an awful time.

"It's the most arbitrary and capricious process I've ever been involved in," said Karen Boretsky.

"At one point I was angry -- 'We just drove six hours, you're not even going to look?' But then I realized it was OK; that's one more off the list."

Devra Bastiaens of Mt. Lebanon said her daughter was very hot on a particular school until they got there. Then she did the one thing all counselors warn against but all teens (and many parents) do anyway -- she balked based on the student tour guide.

"She was a petite blonde in a madras skirt, matching purse, manicured toes and fingernails," said the mom.

"It totally turned her off, and she never applied."

Mr. Goodman, the admissions counselor, said a student last year rejected a school because there were too many lockers in the corridors.

"It reminded him of his high school."