Lake Fong, Post-Gazette Dr. Laura Marshak, co-author, discusses pitfalls and strategies for parents in "Married with Special-Needs Children." Click photo for larger image. Online chat Join psychologist Dr. Laura Marshak to discuss her book, "Married with Special Needs Children: A Couples Guide to Keeping Connected."

Over the past few years, numerous books have been written about raising children with special needs, but -- until now -- none that focus solely on the tremendous stress that such parenting adds to a marriage.

Laura Marshak, a Squirrel Hill resident, and co-author Fran Pollock Prezant have filled that gap with "Married with Special-Needs Children: A Couples Guide to Keeping Connected" (Woodbine House, 2007). The book recently won an iParenting Media Award.

My interest in this book is quite personal. As a parent of an 11-year-old son with disabilities, I have survived many of the marital struggles that come with the territory -- especially during my son's early years. I was depressed, anxious, and frequently arguing with my husband about our "special" child. A good friend urged me to talk to Dr. Marshak, a psychologist who teaches at Indiana University of Pennsylvania and has a counseling practice in the North Hills. That "conversation" lasted about three years.

Now that I can look back on that period from a distance, it's interesting to read about the broad strokes of what my husband and I were going through. Like many mothers of young children with special needs, I had become quite consumed by the implications of the diagnosis (cerebral palsy) and what I could do to offset future problems. My husband, on the other hand, was much more accepting of our son's condition and inclined to take things day by day. Although we were both very committed to our son, we often disagreed about what was best for him -- so much so that I began to pull away from my husband and, increasingly, to manage the special needs care on my own.

During counseling, Dr. Marshak offered a suggestion that changed my course: Rather than angrily "doing it all myself," why not gently teach my husband about my viewpoints.

Although I initially blanched at the idea, I followed her wise advice. Over time, my husband and I got on the same page about our son's situation and have stayed there.

No doubt, raising a child with special needs is one of the biggest challenges to a marriage. The divorce rate for such couples is somewhat higher than the already high national divorce rate (about 50 percent for first marriages; 75 percent for second marriages).

In their comprehensive yet readable book, Dr. Marshak and Ms. Prezant, a former faculty member at Indiana University of Pennsylvania and a specialist in parent support, explain that the intense upheaval in the early years of special parenting can affect a marriage for a long time. As if that's not enough to deal with, couples often find themselves revisiting that intensity at certain junctures in the child's life, such as hospitalizations, school transitions, or when the child reaches adulthood.

The authors -- both of whom have personal and professional experience with the subject -- describe the typical issues that couples encounter, such as differing styles of accepting a child's diagnosis, conflicts about who does what, and overinvolvement in the child's needs.

These problems cannot be addressed by any single formula, say the authors. Instead, they offer couples information about the predictable pitfalls and strategies for finding some middle ground. Often, the demands of having a child with special needs exacerbates personality differences that may have already surfaced for the couple as a source of conflict.

If the marriage was in serious trouble before the special needs came along, dissolution may be inevitable.

But for a majority of couples, the authors say, the marriages are "good enough" and can be helped along with some attention to what the couple is going through in respect to the child's special needs.

That was the case for my husband and me. We had a "good enough" marriage before our child with a disability came along. In my frustration, I believed that I would not be able to cope with my son's special needs and the accompanying marriage issues. But I was wrong.

As Dr. Marshak observes about "good enough" marriages, the partners often discover that they "may not be on the same side of their arguments, but they are on the same side of life."

So if you are frustrated with your partner, but have a "good enough" marriage, take a look at this book. You may see your marriage more clearly.

Or consider professional counseling. Remember that it doesn't have to be couples therapy -- mine wasn't. A professional counselor can help you view your situation with some objectivity and understand how to hang in for the long haul.

Dr. Marshak welcomes invitations to speak to parent groups or to conduct book discussions. You can contact her at marshak@iup.edu.